Broke Butt Mountain

Most people have love-hate relationships with their bodies, and I'm no different—although it's not for the reasons one might think.  I don't hate the stretch marks that I bear as a result of having my children, and I don't get too upset over the venetian-blind effect that characterizes my tummy every time I slouch our bend. 

No—my issue is with my backside.  For some reason, having children has caused my bum to go all flat and droopy.

Now, I expected that my belly would be a bit loose after stretching to accommodate the equivalent of a small watermelon.  I also knew that my boobs would begin their migration to what will surely be their final resting place—just north of my belly button.  But I never thought my bum would go from "bootylicious" to "bootylifeless."

I first learned of the unfortunate situation plaguing my backside when a friend happened to catch a shot of my rump at a child's birthday party.

Exhibit A:

Where's the beef?

After seeing this photo, I quickly dispatched with the offending jeans and replaced them with a "booty-enhancing" pair with flappy back pockets.

Unfortunately, the problem wasn't just aesthetic.  My butt seems to have lost all of its functionality too.  Lately, my hindquarters seem to be incapable of performing even the most basic of duties—like, say, holding my jeans up.

I discovered that one of my comfiest pairs of jeans was failing me when my husband recently assaulted my derriere during my daughter's diaper change.  I was bent over—busily tending to my squiggling little girl—when my hubby stealthily crept up behind me, stuck his finger in my butt crack, wiggled it and yelled something resembling "blalalalalaa!!" in a high-pitched voice. 

Seriously—he could have just told me my butt was sticking out.  It would have been a lot less traumatic for all involved.

Needless to say, those jeans were donated to Goodwill.  It cheers me to think that some other gal can now unwittingly flash her butt crack every time she bends over...and for only six dollars (what a bargain)!  I have since been guilty of buying those dreaded high-waisted jeans that most women avoid.

But there's one side effect of my new condition that I never could have anticipated: I no longer have any padding on my bottom to protect me when I fall.  Not that I fall a lot, mind you, but on a scale from "graceful" to "clumsy," I certainly come in closer to the "clumsy" end.

I've suffered several major falls in the past few years, and one time I actually succeeded in herniating a disc in my back.  I now deal with back pain on a daily basis, and any type of injury exacerbates things terribly.

It was for this reason that, when I announced that I was planning to try snowboarding, my husband shot me a look that could have melted steel.

"Do you really think that's a smart thing to do?" he asked me in disbelief.  "You'll kill yourself!"

"Well thanks for the vote of confidence, sweetheart!!" I responded, stomping off in a huff.

Now, if anyone knows what a stubborn idiot I can often be, it's my husband.  He can tell right away when I've got some crazy idea in my head, and he also knows that there's not much he can do about it.  This didn't stop him from trying to talk me out of snowboarding, though.  After much arguing, he realized he wouldn't be able to thwart me directly, so he sought to wear me down by calling everyone we knew and complaining on a daily basis about how unreasonable I was.

My sister also joined the chorus of concerned voices.  She had offered to teach me to snowboard, and when she arrived at my house she wasted no time in soberly warning me of the dangers I faced.  She even insisted that my husband and I come in a separate car just in case I was in too much pain and couldn't continue at some point.

I responded to her concern by rolling my eyes and grumbling.

I probably should have recognized that people were honestly trying to help, but by this point I was so annoyed with everyone that any suggestion concerning my safety was immediately disregarded.

When my husband asked me how my back was feeling on the way to the mountain, I fumed and huffed and told him I was fine.  I just about bit my sister's head off when she suggested I get a helmet from the rental shop, and when a small argument erupted over whether I should start on the bunny trail or one of the beginner slopes, I had to restrain myself from forcibly ramming my rental board up someone's backside.

I had sufficiently angered pretty much everyone in our party by the time we all had our gear, so it was decided that we should stop talking and just head out to the slope.  I quickly became giddy with excitement—I had made it!  I was on the mountain, and no one was going to stop me from having fun!

I smiled for the camera, strapped on my board and promptly slid into a ditch, where I spent the next ten minutes flopping about on my back like a wounded beetle trying to right itself. 

My husband spent a few victorious moments laughing at me, then made some half-assed attempts to drag me from the rut with his ski pole.  Eventually I swallowed my pride and took the board off.  I walked back out to the middle of the trail and started again.

My next attempt was significantly better and resulted in only a few falls.  Before long I had made it to the bottom of the hill and was mounting the lift to try the slope again.  I was excited to be getting the hang of it, but I had to admit that my sister had been right about one thing—I was falling a lot, and by the time an hour had passed, I was feeling quite beat up and sore.

My back was hurting in the usual places, and my shoulders and neck were cramping and burning.  Nevertheless, I pushed on—learning to snowboard was exhilarating!  My hubby stuck with me as I repeatedly tumbled in the snow, even though he would much rather have been swishing down the advanced slopes on his skis.  I was extremely grateful for his company, especially since I had been such a crabby-ass earlier.

Things were going along swimmingly until I caught the back edge of my board wrong, tipped over backwards and fell down hard on my woefully un-cushioned butt.  Pain exploded in my rump and I curled up in a ball in the snow, rocking and moaning "Owwww...." 

My husband took the pause in activity as an opportunity to snap some scenic pictures.  He captured some photos of the mountains around us, then turned the camera on me and said, "Smile, honey!"  I struggled to my knees and slapped a smile on my face.

 I think I did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I had just sustained a massive tailbone injury.

"Great!" my husband shouted.  "Ready to get going?" 

I wobbled to my feet and told myself that I was fine, even though I was nauseous from pain and a bit weak-in-the-knees.  We were due to meet up with my sister in the lodge in an hour, and I was not about to let her see me admitting defeat.  And I was certainly not about to say that I had to stop and go home early. 

I struggled through another half an hour of falling in the snow before telling my hubby that I needed a break.  We went back to the lodge and he worked on getting me some food, while I rested and took some pain medication and muscle relaxers.

When my sister arrived, she was thrilled to hear that I still had my snowboard (I had threatened to switch to skis if boarding sucked), and she couldn't wait to go down a run with me so she could see my skills.

My hubby was more than excited to be relieved of the task of babysitting me, and he quickly took off by himself to do some serious skiing.  After he left, my sister looked at me sorta funny and asked, "Do you have any idea what you look like?" 

"What do you mean?" I asked.  

"You mean he didn't tell you?" she asked in disbelief.  "Here, I'll show you," she said, and she took this picture of me: 

I looked at the picture and affected an expression that I hoped communicated horror.  Inwardly I was in way too much pain to give a whoopdie-doo about some errant hair.

"I can't believe he didn't tell you that your hair looks ridiculous!" my sister exclaimed.  "I mean, how could he just let you sit here looking like that?!" 

I shrugged, but inwardly I thought that it was likely that my husband was afraid to give me any suggestions after my earlier displays of bitchy behavior.  I put my hat back on and my sister gave me an approving look.  She declared I was once again fit for public viewing, and we headed back out to the slopes. 

I suffered through several more runs down the mountain on the board before deciding that I just couldn't endure any more falling.  Besides, it was now absolutely impossible for me to latch my own board on—every time I sat on the ground to fasten the straps I was struck by excruciating pain in my bum.  I was thus stuck awkwardly waiting for my sister to bend down and attach my board each time we got off the lift. 

Common sense says that I should have just quit at this point, but I had packed my skis in my car, and I didn't want to leave the mountain before getting in a few good runs, dammit!

I took off my rental gear, limped to the car, retrieved my skis and got suited up all over again.  Unfortunately I was in worse shape than I'd anticipated.  My shoulders were on fire, I had pain shooting through my hips and back, my neck was a mess of knots, and I had a massive headache.  I also felt like I had a red-hot coal embedded at the base of my spine.  I went for a few clumsy runs on my skis and finally cried "uncle."  

I hobbled to the lodge on shaky legs and put my head down on a table.  I breathed slowly, trying not to throw up because of the pain.  My hubby found me, saw the state I was in and kindly offered to pull the car around for me.  By the time it pulled up I could barely heave myself into it.  

Once we got on the road I said in a shaky voice, "Um, I think I may need to go to the hospital.  I think I may have actually seriously hurt myself." 

Silence. 

I waited for the "I told you so," but it never came.  

Instead, he just quietly said, "Well that sucks."  

(Have I mentioned that my husband is wonderful?)

As it turns out, I had broken my tailbone in my fall.  Stupidly, I had then proceeded to snowboard and ski with a fractured tailbone for another six hours, just because I didn't want to admit that I had hurt myself.  

I told you I'm an idiot sometimes.

The next day I could barely get out of bed, and my husband took care of the kids by himself.  He didn't complain once.  When he came to check on me, he was tender and loving, and when I beat myself up for being stupid, he hugged me and said, "It was just one of those freak accidents.  There's nothing you could have done about it." 

Well, I suppose I could have just skipped snowboarding in the first place.

I have spent the last couple of weeks taking painkillers and doing a whole lot of resting (hence why this post is so overdue...I've found it rather difficult to collect my thoughts on regular doses of narcotics).  The docs say that tailbone fractures take a long time to heal, and that my rump could take up to six months to fully repair itself.  I guess I won't be snowboarding again anytime soon. 

But oddly enough, I sort of want to do it again.  It was truly exciting to learn a new skill, and I was actually getting fairly good at it by the end of the day.  My hubby's pretty sure I'm insane, but I think I would snowboard again if I had the chance. 

Except, perhaps next time I should don some ass armor to protect my flat bottom before hitting the slopes.  Anyone know where I can get a butt helmet?