Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Broke Butt Mountain

Most people have love-hate relationships with their bodies, and I'm no different—although it's not for the reasons one might think.  I don't hate the stretch marks that I bear as a result of having my children, and I don't get too upset over the venetian-blind effect that characterizes my tummy every time I slouch our bend. 

No—my issue is with my backside.  For some reason, having children has caused my bum to go all flat and droopy.

Now, I expected that my belly would be a bit loose after stretching to accommodate the equivalent of a small watermelon.  I also knew that my boobs would begin their migration to what will surely be their final resting place—just north of my belly button.  But I never thought my bum would go from "bootylicious" to "bootylifeless."

I first learned of the unfortunate situation plaguing my backside when a friend happened to catch a shot of my rump at a child's birthday party.

Exhibit A:
Where's the beef?

After seeing this photo, I quickly dispatched with the offending jeans and replaced them with a "booty-enhancing" pair with flappy back pockets.

Unfortunately, the problem wasn't just aesthetic.  My butt seems to have lost all of its functionality too.  Lately, my hindquarters seem to be incapable of performing even the most basic of duties—like, say, holding my jeans up.

I discovered that one of my comfiest pairs of jeans was failing me when my husband recently assaulted my derriere during my daughter's diaper change.  I was bent over—busily tending to my squiggling little girl—when my hubby stealthily crept up behind me, stuck his finger in my butt crack, wiggled it and yelled something resembling "blalalalalaa!!" in a high-pitched voice. 

Seriously—he could have just told me my butt was sticking out.  It would have been a lot less traumatic for all involved.

Needless to say, those jeans were donated to Goodwill.  It cheers me to think that some other gal can now unwittingly flash her butt crack every time she bends over...and for only six dollars (what a bargain)!  I have since been guilty of buying those dreaded high-waisted jeans that most women avoid.

But there's one side effect of my new condition that I never could have anticipated: I no longer have any padding on my bottom to protect me when I fall.  Not that I fall a lot, mind you, but on a scale from "graceful" to "clumsy," I certainly come in closer to the "clumsy" end.

I've suffered several major falls in the past few years, and one time I actually succeeded in herniating a disc in my back.  I now deal with back pain on a daily basis, and any type of injury exacerbates things terribly.

It was for this reason that, when I announced that I was planning to try snowboarding, my husband shot me a look that could have melted steel.

"Do you really think that's a smart thing to do?" he asked me in disbelief.  "You'll kill yourself!"

"Well thanks for the vote of confidence, sweetheart!!" I responded, stomping off in a huff.

Now, if anyone knows what a stubborn idiot I can often be, it's my husband.  He can tell right away when I've got some crazy idea in my head, and he also knows that there's not much he can do about it.  This didn't stop him from trying to talk me out of snowboarding, though.  After much arguing, he realized he wouldn't be able to thwart me directly, so he sought to wear me down by calling everyone we knew and complaining on a daily basis about how unreasonable I was.

My sister also joined the chorus of concerned voices.  She had offered to teach me to snowboard, and when she arrived at my house she wasted no time in soberly warning me of the dangers I faced.  She even insisted that my husband and I come in a separate car just in case I was in too much pain and couldn't continue at some point.

I responded to her concern by rolling my eyes and grumbling.

I probably should have recognized that people were honestly trying to help, but by this point I was so annoyed with everyone that any suggestion concerning my safety was immediately disregarded.

When my husband asked me how my back was feeling on the way to the mountain, I fumed and huffed and told him I was fine.  I just about bit my sister's head off when she suggested I get a helmet from the rental shop, and when a small argument erupted over whether I should start on the bunny trail or one of the beginner slopes, I had to restrain myself from forcibly ramming my rental board up someone's backside.

I had sufficiently angered pretty much everyone in our party by the time we all had our gear, so it was decided that we should stop talking and just head out to the slope.  I quickly became giddy with excitement—I had made it!  I was on the mountain, and no one was going to stop me from having fun!

I smiled for the camera, strapped on my board and promptly slid into a ditch, where I spent the next ten minutes flopping about on my back like a wounded beetle trying to right itself. 

My husband spent a few victorious moments laughing at me, then made some half-assed attempts to drag me from the rut with his ski pole.  Eventually I swallowed my pride and took the board off.  I walked back out to the middle of the trail and started again.

My next attempt was significantly better and resulted in only a few falls.  Before long I had made it to the bottom of the hill and was mounting the lift to try the slope again.  I was excited to be getting the hang of it, but I had to admit that my sister had been right about one thing—I was falling a lot, and by the time an hour had passed, I was feeling quite beat up and sore.

My back was hurting in the usual places, and my shoulders and neck were cramping and burning.  Nevertheless, I pushed on—learning to snowboard was exhilarating!  My hubby stuck with me as I repeatedly tumbled in the snow, even though he would much rather have been swishing down the advanced slopes on his skis.  I was extremely grateful for his company, especially since I had been such a crabby-ass earlier.

Things were going along swimmingly until I caught the back edge of my board wrong, tipped over backwards and fell down hard on my woefully un-cushioned butt.  Pain exploded in my rump and I curled up in a ball in the snow, rocking and moaning "Owwww...." 

My husband took the pause in activity as an opportunity to snap some scenic pictures.  He captured some photos of the mountains around us, then turned the camera on me and said, "Smile, honey!"  I struggled to my knees and slapped a smile on my face.

 I think I did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I had just sustained a massive tailbone injury.

"Great!" my husband shouted.  "Ready to get going?" 

I wobbled to my feet and told myself that I was fine, even though I was nauseous from pain and a bit weak-in-the-knees.  We were due to meet up with my sister in the lodge in an hour, and I was not about to let her see me admitting defeat.  And I was certainly not about to say that I had to stop and go home early. 

I struggled through another half an hour of falling in the snow before telling my hubby that I needed a break.  We went back to the lodge and he worked on getting me some food, while I rested and took some pain medication and muscle relaxers.

When my sister arrived, she was thrilled to hear that I still had my snowboard (I had threatened to switch to skis if boarding sucked), and she couldn't wait to go down a run with me so she could see my skills.

My hubby was more than excited to be relieved of the task of babysitting me, and he quickly took off by himself to do some serious skiing.  After he left, my sister looked at me sorta funny and asked, "Do you have any idea what you look like?" 

"What do you mean?" I asked.  

"You mean he didn't tell you?" she asked in disbelief.  "Here, I'll show you," she said, and she took this picture of me: 

I looked at the picture and affected an expression that I hoped communicated horror.  Inwardly I was in way too much pain to give a whoopdie-doo about some errant hair.

"I can't believe he didn't tell you that your hair looks ridiculous!" my sister exclaimed.  "I mean, how could he just let you sit here looking like that?!" 

I shrugged, but inwardly I thought that it was likely that my husband was afraid to give me any suggestions after my earlier displays of bitchy behavior.  I put my hat back on and my sister gave me an approving look.  She declared I was once again fit for public viewing, and we headed back out to the slopes. 

I suffered through several more runs down the mountain on the board before deciding that I just couldn't endure any more falling.  Besides, it was now absolutely impossible for me to latch my own board on—every time I sat on the ground to fasten the straps I was struck by excruciating pain in my bum.  I was thus stuck awkwardly waiting for my sister to bend down and attach my board each time we got off the lift. 

Common sense says that I should have just quit at this point, but I had packed my skis in my car, and I didn't want to leave the mountain before getting in a few good runs, dammit!

I took off my rental gear, limped to the car, retrieved my skis and got suited up all over again.  Unfortunately I was in worse shape than I'd anticipated.  My shoulders were on fire, I had pain shooting through my hips and back, my neck was a mess of knots, and I had a massive headache.  I also felt like I had a red-hot coal embedded at the base of my spine.  I went for a few clumsy runs on my skis and finally cried "uncle."  

I hobbled to the lodge on shaky legs and put my head down on a table.  I breathed slowly, trying not to throw up because of the pain.  My hubby found me, saw the state I was in and kindly offered to pull the car around for me.  By the time it pulled up I could barely heave myself into it.  

Once we got on the road I said in a shaky voice, "Um, I think I may need to go to the hospital.  I think I may have actually seriously hurt myself." 


I waited for the "I told you so," but it never came.  

Instead, he just quietly said, "Well that sucks."  
(Have I mentioned that my husband is wonderful?)

As it turns out, I had broken my tailbone in my fall.  Stupidly, I had then proceeded to snowboard and ski with a fractured tailbone for another six hours, just because I didn't want to admit that I had hurt myself.  

I told you I'm an idiot sometimes.

The next day I could barely get out of bed, and my husband took care of the kids by himself.  He didn't complain once.  When he came to check on me, he was tender and loving, and when I beat myself up for being stupid, he hugged me and said, "It was just one of those freak accidents.  There's nothing you could have done about it." 

Well, I suppose I could have just skipped snowboarding in the first place.

I have spent the last couple of weeks taking painkillers and doing a whole lot of resting (hence why this post is so overdue...I've found it rather difficult to collect my thoughts on regular doses of narcotics).  The docs say that tailbone fractures take a long time to heal, and that my rump could take up to six months to fully repair itself.  I guess I won't be snowboarding again anytime soon. 

But oddly enough, I sort of want to do it again.  It was truly exciting to learn a new skill, and I was actually getting fairly good at it by the end of the day.  My hubby's pretty sure I'm insane, but I think I would snowboard again if I had the chance. 

Except, perhaps next time I should don some ass armor to protect my flat bottom before hitting the slopes.  Anyone know where I can get a butt helmet?
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  1. Following back via GFC and twitter! Great Blog

  2. I am the first to say I never read long posts but yours always suck me in! This is my excuse why I never have time to read books anymore. lol Hope you feel better!

    1. Awww, thanks Misty! That's one of the best compliments I could get! For the record, I actually had to edit my post DOWN quite a was initially much longer! LOL

  3. Jenn I hate to laugh while you are in serious pain but you always crack me up! And the title of your piece is genius!! You poor baby!!! How are you able to function, I would think breaking your tailbone is just so painful!! I wish we lived closer so I could help you out!! My thoughts and prayers are with you! Much love!

    1. Thanks hon! I've had lots of help over the past couple of weeks, and I'm happy to say that things are (slowly) getting better! And you don't have to feel guilty for laughing...I waited until I could laugh about it too before posting! It's all good. :-)

  4. Bless your heart! I cannot imagine having that kind of stamina. I get a papercut and get whiney about it. You are such an awesome writer. I was spellbound through the whole story. Thanks for sharing it.

  5. Oh Jenn!! You poor thing! I broke my tailbone hurts SO BAD. Hopefully, you've got a great donut pillow - I think I sat on one for about 6 months lol.

    Snowboarding sounds like a lot of fun, though I'm not sure I'd try it again after breaking my tailbone lol! But, I'm a wuss, without a doubt.

  6. Oh Jenn, so sorry for your injury. Love the photos added to the story...especially the one where your hair looks! That would totally be me! Praying for your broken butt to feel better sooner rather than later. Thankful that you didn't injure anything worse.
    Blessings friend,

    1. Hehe...thanks! Fortunately it's slowly getting better! At least I can laugh about it now. LOL

  7. You are hilarious. Someone I know and might possibly be married to has gone through the butt lifting / butt falling syndrome a few times. Even crazier than you, hee hee, she started talking about roller derby. WTH? "Well, I used to skate a lot in central park and it would get my aggression out and they have a team". "yeah, and you'd get killed". But through a steady diet of yoga and eliptical, the butt is on the rise.
    Great funny post. I so much more enjoy bloggers that laugh at themselves and cal themselves idiots. We are who we are. But at least you are funny! cheers

  8. Hahahaha! That's awesome! And I am loving the hair;-) but I'm sorry about your injury. I have done that myself while snowboarding, not fun!

  9. I will never again envy a woman who doesn't have a big hiney. Never having to worry about not having enough padding anywhere on my body, I didn't realize the dangers of not having enough butt padding. But I have to say, I admire your stubborn streak and determination. The hairdo? well, that was just the icing on the cake. Thanks for the laugh and I hope you and your backside are feeling much better.

  10. Very funny! I love snowboarding, but I'm not very good - I definitely spend most of my first couple runs on my butt. That's crazy that you broke your tailbone. But I still think you should try it again!

  11. I'm a fellow spaz and have busted my butt plenty. I could use a butt helmut- please let me know if you find one. Ya think it's the same as an ass hat? ;)
    Following thru Linky- hope you'll drop by! Mend soon and no more ass-idents!

  12. Oh my! I love this blog! So sorry about your injury! I can't wait to read more! I'm a work out of home mother to 4 kiddos 8 and under! Would love for you to follow back!

  13. Hilarious! My butt wasn't my "problem area" before I had kids... and sat on it all day long while blogging. Now I just have a big old blogger butt.

  14. Wow, you really are stubborn! And I thought I was pretty stubborn... but pain is my breaking point, for sure. Glad you enjoyed it though, lol.

    Found your blog through the Finding New Friends blog hop. I'm your newest follower :)

  15. OH MY GOD. I started out going, "Hey, she sounds a lot like me!" especially the droopy butt thing (WTH IS THAT??? Non one warned me about losing my butt!)

    Then your hubby sounds like mine...

    and then by the time I got half way down the page through the snow skiing story, it struck me as over the top hilarious and I'm in public, so I was trying not to laugh, which ALWAYS makes it worse.

    So I got a lot of strange looks as I sat here, shaking and crying from trying not to laugh OUT LOUD. You are SOOOO hilarious! GREAT post!

  16. I, myself, have no butt unless two things happen 1. I gain wait and am on the high end of the okay weight for my height (and it's still not that much) or 2. squats, squats, squats (this works much better)!

    Following via GFC from Finally Friday Blog Hop!

  17. Love your humor! Motherhood is always better with a good laugh :)

    New follower through blog hop -- love for you to follow us back!

  18. Thanks for stopping by and following my blog so that I could check yours out. You are an excellent writer and I am so sorry for your injury. I am glad that you are getting better and I really did enjoy the post!

  19. Broke, you always crack me up! I am so sorry about your pain and love the hair. God bless you my friend!

  20. OMG to funny! New follower :-D

  21. Gosh, it's too bad breaking your butt doesn't make it bigger! Maybe then it would have been worth the pain.Guess you will have to do it again just to be sure. You never know! Maybe a cast would help!

  22. Hello I am a new follower from the sit and relax blog hop. I love your blog.. You are to funny! I hope you come and check my blog out as well.

  23. I would have done the same thing! I am totally fine...but oh yeah my tailbone is broken. Hope it's feeling better and you found some ass armor to protect you from any other incidents:)

  24. Happy to find your fabulous blog! I'm a new Linky follower. Found you through the Linky Blog Hop! Hope you can come visit my site, when you have a moment.

  25. That was so funny! I can completely appreciate your stubborness and desire to rally, but feel badly laughing at your expense- especially the hair. Butt injuries really do stink and last waaaayyy too long. Creating the cushion is key :)

  26. I don't care how stubborn you are, I think you're awesome for trying it. I tried one time, but the way it forces your knees forward was so awkward for me! I think I fractured my tailbone using those Heelys. I went from vertical to horizontal in less than 1 second. I didn't even know what hit me. I couldn't left my legs one at a time for a long time without shooting pain around my tailbone area. We both need to work on our "padding". Stairclimber, once you're healed? Thanks for stopping by the Sit and Relax weekend hop. Hope your Bum is feeling better soon!

  27. Hilarious stuff! Sounds like stuff I would do! I'm a new linky follower! Can you follow me back! Thanks!


  28. LOVE YOUR BLOG!! new follower! come check me out when you can!

  29. Found this on Finding the Funny. I have not alternately cringed and laughed so much in at least the last 24 hours. :)You at the very least need to get yourself some padded bicycle shorts. And you do know they sell padded panties, right? -Ellen

  30. My husband is just super grat at taking horrific pics of my backside. Either that or with myblowe lip jutting out. Didn't know I did that. Now I do. Visiting from ilkshake hop'

  31. Hi there! New follower via 7 kids and counting's weekend hop.

    Hope you will stop by my blog and say hi.


  32. I belly laughed at the part where your husband didn't tell you about your hair!! MEN!!
    Just stopping by from the Linky Party Hop. I hope you will visit and follow back.


  33. I am laughing about the butt crack. We call that "Blinging it" in our house or "Crackalicious" my daughter is a particular victim. I make her sit on the dressing room floor before buying jeans.

    This is why I have never skied. I would kill myself. I am currently trying to get rid of some butt fat...want some? I will gladly share.

    A broken tailbone sucks. I won't share anymore about it. I've done that twice.

  34. Found you on Hop Along Friday! Find me at

  35. love your blog new follower come check out

  36. hilarious! I found you on the blog hop, I'm your newest LF follower- would love it if you followed me too!

  37. For a mom you look great! :) I am now following you on Linky and would love a follow back when you get a chance over at

  38. I found you via the Linky hop and have become your newest follower. Hope you have a chance to visit my blog and perhaps follow me back.

  39. Wow, what a story! I hope you feel better and I admire your bravery for getting out there and snowboarding. I'm clumsy and uncoordinated and am kind of afraid to even try snowboarding or skiing!

    I found your blog through the weekend blog hop and thought I'd stop by to say hi. Please check out my blog too if you get the chance!

  40. Outside of the fact you hurt yourself, what a fantastic story. You are a great story teller, absolutely hilarious! As a snowboarder myself I could picture myself right there with you. I've experienced much of the same (no broken tailbone thought). Sounds like you have an amazing husband!

  41. Maybe you could have some tailbone reconstruction and get them to sort of, I don't know, lift things back up back there? Just a thought.

    FWIW, I broke one of my front teeth out riding a skateboard. I feel your pain.

  42. new Linky Follower! hope you follow back and come check out my great giveaways going on!

  43. OMG I love this! Sorry but I just had to laugh. I personally don't have the butt problem, but with my latest hair cut/color I definitely have the hair problem! But at least right now I can always blame it on "hat hair".

    I'm I'm visiting from Exposure 99% weekday hop. I hope that you can stop by my blog as well - on Tuesday I have a great giveaway going on with a small group of bloggers for an awesome prize. Hope to see you there.

  44. I'm a new Linky follower - hope you can follow back!

    I laughed out loud at this post (my husband thinks I was laughing at his daring-do in his video game). I also suffered a hairline fracture of my tailbone first time I went snowboarding. It hurt and apparently, me on Percoset provided much entertainment to my friends. Hope you feel better soon!

  45. Oh my gosh - this was funny - but not. You poor thing - seriously - no more snowboarding!!! :)

    Thanks for linking up to finding the funny!

  46. I found you through the blog hop. I'm your newest linky follower. Check me out at

  47. i have also noticed my butt not being as it was before kids lol. Great blog. New follower would love a follow back

  48. Ha, ha... and that is why I won't snowboard....because I know I will suck. LOL sorry about your tailbone! I fell down the stairs about a year ago and my tailbone still hurts when I sit on it. New follower from the make my morning hop! (

  49. I found you from the Make My Morning Blog Hop!! I am a new follower!! I can happily say after my son my butt isn't what I worry about daily. I hate my stretch marks but I wouldnt change them either!!

  50. Thanks for the laugh....I landed here from the Get Connected Tuesday Blog thing I'll never hear is that I have a "broke butt" I have enough "junk in the trunk" to share...LOL. I enjoyed what I read, I'm following, and I'll be back. Stop by, sometime,, won't you?
    Peace and good.

  51. Hi,
    I am happy to be your newest lf follower from the Linky followers blog hop. If you would like to follow back I can be found at

  52. follower. :) Thanks for cheking out my blog, Adventures in Motherhood ( and leaving a comment!

  53. LOL. My butt drooping was definitely one thing I did not expect with having children. Oh well. And you're much more adventurous than I, since snowboarding? *shudder*

  54. Wow...that's a lot of URLs. That must have taken forever to type.

  55. Haha this is hysterical. Is it bad that I laughed at your expense. Thanks for the good laughs this Saturday morning. Come link up on my Saturday laughs:)

  56. Funny & great title! I'm your newest follower, thank you for hosting the Winky Linky hop :)
    Have a great weekend!

  57. very impressive, i got myself a hula hoop, its as far i go...

  58. What a great story! you have a wonderful sense of humor! Hope you are feeling better. I just linked up to the Linky Hop, a bit late, but here! Have a great day!


  59. oh jenn, i am so so sorry to hear about all the pain you're in! OUCH!!
    somehow, i am still laughing and smiling...what can i say, you just tell such an amazingly funny story!
    i truly hope the pain has lessened and you are back to feeling like yourself!
    you had me hysterically laughing at your hair and the way your husband lets you know your butt is "hanging out!" LOL my husband does the same thing and it annoys the hell out of me. i always feel him about to tell me that "crack kills," as he goes to pull at my thong or undies. ;)

    ohhh, skiing and snowboarding was never a good idea for me! i used to go on the ski trips in high school and middle school just so i could make out with my bfs on the bus ride there! hahaha! and one time, my best friend and i fell at the top of the mountain and somehow, our skis got stuck together. we went down the mountain literally stuck to one another (me head first)...oh, memories!

    you are awesome!!
    and i hope that next time is much easier on you and your tush!!
    happy monday <3

  60. OUCH!!!!! Butt injuries are the worst. But I would have done the same thing - never admit defeat, and especially never admit wrongness!! ;)

  61. Hi,

    You have a great Blog. I have been reading your posts. Found you on World Bloggers and am looking forward to reading more posts. Hope your butt injury is better...ouch. Love the hair pic...its something that reminds me of "ME"...LOL = )

  62. SO funny because I fell so hard off a horse that I was pretty sure I had broken my tailbone but didn't want to admit it. I got right back on and finished my lesson (adrenaline is such a bitch) and carried on. The next morning I was in excruciating pain. It was weeks before I was able to ride without pain and for about a year, there was a little spot on my butt that would go numb. No, I didn't go to the hospital because they can't do much for a tailbone issue anyway and since I wasn't in so much pain that I couldn't walk, I figured I had just bruised it. Now it's just super sensitive.

    I tried snowboarding before I tried to ski and it was a very icy day. I fell and fell and then fell one time it literally knocked all the snot out of me. That was pretty much the end for me. It really was not fun at all. Everyone said I would probably like skiing more, so I tried it and immediately enjoyed it and "got it" so I actually bought skis. I will never try snowboarding again because all I can think of is how hard that last fall was and how unfun it was. Plus, you always see snowboarders having to take breaks, so it must really be hard! Skiers never just sit down in the middle of the hill to "take a break"!


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