Friday, November 4, 2011

Potty Humor

My son is a VERY strong-willed boy.  This is particularly true when it comes to the issue of potty training.

It's pretty much guaranteed that if someone suggests that he should use the potty, he will stubbornly insist that he does not have to go.  It doesn't matter that he can barely speak, his legs are firmly crossed, and he is pink in the face and hopping up and down... he will grunt out some excuse about just wanting to "take a break" from playing to stand in a random corner behind some shrubbery and look at the plants.  If you press him about it, he will yell at you and explain that he is not hiding because he has to go; he is merely pondering the unique idiosyncrasies of the holly bush.

This had made for a generally hellish potty training experience.  We've tried incentives like stickers, treats, stamps, charts—even money or trips to the Dollar Store.  Each incentive works for about three days, after which time my son decides he'd rather go through the day in wet underpants than suffer the indignity of having his daddy tell him when to pee.

"But I don't want to go potty!"
To be fair, it isn't entirely his fault.  He has some sort of sensory issue which makes it difficult for him to tell when his bladder is full.  It also makes it difficult for him to empty his bladder properly.  He briefly went through physical therapy for this, during which time we accompanied him to the potty and attempted to engage him in ridiculous breathing exercises to relax his pelvic muscles.  The "pretend you're blowing out candles on a cake!" trick worked for the predictable three day period, after which time he decided it was stupid and started refusing to use the toilet again.

We have seen doctors and counselors, and the general consensus now is to just let him be—that eventually he'll grow out of it and will go potty consistently on his own.  Alas, we are still waiting for that glorious day.

So you can imagine my delight when my daughter—who hasn't formally started potty training yet—recently announced that she had to poop, marched herself to the bathroom and happily hopped on the potty of her own accord.  (Yeah, I know we're perhaps potty training her a little late, but we're trying a lower-pressure approach than we used with our son in the hopes that she won't become oppositional about it too!)

She sat on the toilet with a huge grin on her face and congratulated herself, clapping and saying "Good job!"  I did a little happy dance and praised her enthusiastically—perhaps we would be mercifully spared the nightmare that we are enduring with our son!!

Look how happy she is!
Unfortunately it doesn't look like it's going to be quite the cakewalk we'd hoped.

The other night my husband was getting the kids ready for their bath, and he took my daughter's pants and diaper off but then got distracted and left her to run about upstairs with no bottoms on.  I caught her standing on her brother's bed, grunting purposefully.

"Clara, do you have to poop?" I asked cheerfully.  I then noticed that she wasn't wearing a diaper, and that she was standing on my son's pillow.  Scooping her up in a panic, I ran to the bathroom and plopped her on the potty just in time for a teensy bit of poo to fall in.  I breathed a sigh of relief. Clara smiled at me and announced that she was "All done!"

I was doubtful; although she clapped her hands, congratulated herself, and squirmed to get off the potty, I was not convinced that it had been a "complete performance."

I had just started encouraging her to try some more when my husband appeared in the doorway to help me with my cause.  He said, "Clara, push!!"... and then he screwed up his face, balled up his fists, and began grunting in an embarrassing manner.  My daughter was thoroughly entertained by this, but I was a tad disturbed—it was overwhelmingly odd to see my husband engaged in theatrics that suggested he might be giving birth.

Despite his spirited efforts, Clara again insisted she was done, so I cleaned her bum, congratulated her and sent her on her way—which was presumably to see my husband, who I thought was waiting for her with a diaper.

Alas, when I finished washing my hands and went to my son's room to see how the diapering was going, my husband was nowhere to be found.  I saw only Clara, who was bending down and carefully picking something up off the floor.  She turned and held it out to me.

My brain was a tad slow in comprehending what I was seeing.  Clara was surrounded by poop.  She had a nugget of poo clutched in her paw and was contemplating it with fascination, and when she saw me in the doorway she held the ball of poo aloft and said merrily, "What's this?  Treat?"

I recovered and shouted something like, "Oh my GOD, Oh my God!!"... at which point Clara caught my meaning and dropped the poo ball like a hot, smelly potato.  "Oh my God!  Honey!!!" I screamed.  He was downstairs again.  "Get up here right now!  Your daughter pooped on the floor!  She had some in her hand!  And now she's touching Evan's toys!  Get up here!!!"

My husband showed up at the door wearing a look of disdain.  "I had a feeling this was going to happen," he said regretfully.  I wanted to scream, "Then why did you walk away from her again?!" but I bit my tongue.  I needed his help.

He cleaned Clara up, and I disposed of the poo balls that were strewn across the floor like freakishly large mutant-rat droppings before frantically dousing the carpet and surrounding areas with Lysol.  I sprayed some lavender-scented mist in my son's room so it wouldn't smell like a chemical factory, or worse—a sewage treatment plant.

I got my daughter to bed and went downstairs to stew.  I was rather furious with my hubby.  After all, who in his right mind walks away from a toddler with no diaper on... twice?  I was in the midst of rehearsing some choice words in my head when I heard him holler "AAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!  EVAN!!!"

He came rushing down the stairs and shouted at me, "Your son just peed on the carpet!!!"

I had to stifle a giggle.  Justice is sweet.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Naw.... there's no way that all happened in one evening.  She's making this up."  I assure you, I am not making this up—this is exactly how the evening unfolded.   Frankly, it makes me thankful for the years I spent taking care of multiple cats, during which time I cleaned more than my share of poop, pee, and vomit out of the carpets.  If it weren't for those years of experience, I'm not sure I'd have the constitution for this whole messy process of potty training.

Of course it helps to keep a sense of humor through the whole thing, and to remember that, unlike cats, the children will grow up and stop having accidents in their own time.  Until then, it might be wise to at least invest in some HAZMAT suits, and perhaps some litter boxes and piddle pads to leave in strategic locations of the house.

At any rate, I hope my kids get their act together soon.  Our potty is feeling quite rejected, and I'm not sure its self-esteem will ever recover!


You've got to admit—that's some good potty humor!


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50 comments:

  1. LOL!! I do NOT miss the potty training days and am so very thankful that all of mine are out of diapers.

    Awesome story!

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  2. This post made me so glad our days potty training and diapers are all past us!!! I remember those very odd times. So funny! Thanks for the laugh!!

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  3. LOL! Oh my goodness, Jenn, I think we all have the horrid poop story. Thank you for a belly bouncing laugh. I really needed that today. Both of my girls have pooped on the floor and both times it was in a freakish 30 seconds that they were running naked in the house.

    Well...actually Abby pooped all over the floor by the royal potty a few months ago when she decided to take matters into her own hands while I was on the phone. She pooped in her pull up first, then decided to take it off and dump the contents into the royal potty, except her aim was sorely mistaken. She then tried to clean up the mess with her bare hands and finally decided things weren't getting any better. So she found me upstairs reading off prescription information to my husband on the phone. She held her hand out and said..."it looks like chocolate." It only took a few seconds for me to realize my half naked child had poop all over her hands. I then went downstairs to assess the damage, accidentally stepping in it halfway across the floor from the royal potty. The horror! Not a good day of potty training.

    Enjoy your weekend!
    Rosann

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  4. After the second time my daughter pooped in sceret and then proceeded to "clean it up" by rubbing it into the carpet, we bought a carpet cleaner. I do not miss those days.
    (Though I seem to be reliving them with the puppy, but that's another story.)

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  5. I'm using this template too for my blog, Spices of My Life. I wonder how you get those pages on top.

    By the way, I'm here via Exposure 99% with my different site eytozee.net.

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  6. Wow thatis so hilarious! I love how she was holdi g the poo

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  7. Oh the joys of potty training :). Your story was so funny. I am your newest GFC follower from Loving the Weekend blog hop. Hope you will drop by and check out my blog at kittycrochettwo.blogspot.com. Have a fantastic weekend!

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  8. That was really entertaining :) Visiting from Hopalong Friday bloghop!

    The Twerp and I

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  9. Oh Jenn,
    It's so mice to know someone else is in the trenches with me! You had me ROFL!-)
    Char
    http://1epicmom.com

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  10. hahahaha i COMPLETELY feel your pain. we've been having our own potty issues in our camp. ck out my post from last week (http://stayathometrader.blogspot.com/2011/10/along-camekelly.html). at least this happened in the confines of your own home. my son is 4 1/2 and we are STILL having issues with him. he goes #1 fine but the #2 is his issue. he also partakes in the hiding in the corner, red-faced, with pirate stiff legs. my gosh! hoping this ends soon. hope you have a great poo-free weekend ;)

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  11. This was a great story to start my day off with a laugh :-) Oh yes, I can believe it all happened in one night. I admit to letting my kids run around naked while they were potty training, just because they were so cute naked..... That photo of Clara on the toilet is ADORABLE btw. Glad you are getting through this with a sense of humor!

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  12. Stopping by from the No More Muffin Top Blog Hop.

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  13. So glad to be past the potty training days... Very funny post!! I'm a new follower from the Blog Hop Til You Drop... Have a great weekend!

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  14. Love this! Thanks for the laughs, and for the fear. :) My son is only 9 months old - we've still got all this to come!

    I hope you get some not-so-crazy days this week!

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  15. Oh dear...this doesn't give me a warm fuzzy around my stubborn 16-month old daughter's future potty training. My husband also once walked around with my diaperless daughter, and then expressed extreme shock when she promptly peed on him. Maybe men don't fully understand a baby's (lack of) control of their bodily functions?

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  16. I couldn't stop laughing because I can certainly relate. Buggy has been a tub pooper lately and recently I was on the phone and I saw her trying to poo and told her no, in the time i looked down and then up she had the poo in her hand holding it up to me and of course I dropped it! She does like her potty though. She is 22 mo. Hubby would totally let her walk around without a diaper and think she would be able to hold it. I don't think they get it - LOL!

    new follower from weekend blog hop -www.imasillymami.com

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  17. Can't say I miss those potty training days...sigh. I'll take teenagers any day! And btw-I awarded you with the Kreativ Blogger award today! Even before I read this post!
    http://mamawolfe-living.blogspot.com/2011/11/and-winner-ismamawolfe.html

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  18. I laughed so hard reading this my husband thought I was dying. I have had nights almost exactly like this. Why do husbands leave their potty training children diaper-less? It is beyond me!

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  19. Hello!! I found you at the weekend blog hop! I am following you, please come and follow our blog too  http://thoughtsofamotherwifeanddaugther.com and omg...i remember the potty days, ugh. thank god that is all over !! but this was on of the funniest posts i have read in awhile :)

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  20. LOL OMG potty training SUUUUCKS!!!

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  21. Isn't potty training great?
    I can totally relate. And, I can totally believe it all happened in one night...Been there!

    stopping by from Bloggy Moms

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  22. What a fun evening you had. I dread those days, which are soon approaching for me. My daughter uses the potty every now and then but will not keep her panties on when I try to put them on her instead of her diapers. UGH!! Good luck & I hope everything works out, SOON!

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  23. Only finished potty training the first one and the second one is starting to ask about her turn. Potty training has definitely been the hardest obstacle for me. Bribes definitely didn't work for the Oldest either. Best of luck! Thank you for this great laugh!

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  24. Oh, the good ole poop days....I remember them clearly. I can picture you running with your can of Lysol...too funny!

    Jen
    vB

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  25. So funny!! Ah yes, it's a true battle of wits! Thanks for sharing!

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  26. Hi Jenn... First off I would like to thank you for your comment on my blog, you left me shaking my head in agreement as I read your message and I too miss my family when I do get a chance to get out [ which isn't often ;) ]. I am humbled and speechless! LOL!
    After visiting your blog I was left in stitches and remember all too well potty training my boys. I used to throw Cheerios in the toilet and they would target shoot- made it easy with them. Never had a poo experience with them, however my daughter is a different story! LOL! We've had a couple of those scenes with her! But all in all, life is grand now... I truly enjoy the little things in life.
    God bless.. and it has been a great joy meeting you!! Carla

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  27. Oh my goodness! Hilarious! I totally believe it all happened in one night because I've been there myself! lol At least there is a light at the end of that tunnel! ;) Stopping by from the weekend blog hop, and I'm a new follower! =)

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  28. Haha, hilarious! Thanks for the laugh :)

    Here from Cold Weekend Hop

    Alisha
    www.onelittleindianblog.com

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  29. The wonderful trials of potty training. I remeber those days, when you didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

    Stopping by from the Monday Mingle blog hop!

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  30. Ug! The joys of potty training! Last week my DD came down the stairs carrying her diaper and saying ria ria (as in diarrhea). Sure enough there was ria everywhere.

    Stopping by from Mom Blog Monday. http://ourcountryroad.blogspot.com/

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  31. Stopped by from the Exposure 99% Blog Hop! This is hilarious (although I am sure it was horrifying in the moment!)

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  32. I am so glad I'm far far away from the potty training years, LOL! Loved your post and am now following you from Bloggy Moms. I'm at http://blendedbeaks.blogspot.com

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  33. Heehee! Thank you for joining Planet Weidknecht's Weekend Hop. I am following you and hope to see you again soon.

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  34. Oh my goodness.. this was hilarious. I do not miss potty training at all LOL. New follower :)

    http://julia-happilyeverafter.blogspot.com/

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  35. This may possibly be the funniest, and easiest to relate to, story I have read in a while.

    Thanks for stopping by, http://babyfeetandpuppybreath.blogspot.com/
    I am already a happy GFC and FB follower, so I also followed on Networked Blogs and voted up this post:)
    I love your blog! Keep up the awesome work.

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  36. Potty training is a little nightmare that nobody warns you about.....

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  37. Well I was going to come in and comment on your blog post (the first time I read it, I had to stop as I was eating lunch while reading and it got too gross), but now I'm commenting on just how many comments you have here. Wow, I'm so excited for you and how great your blog is doing. Hats off and keep up the great work and funny blogs. Just great Jenn. Next time, I'll comment with something cheeky or funny, but really just excited for you here. poop and all

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  38. I remember those days. I hope yours are few and far between.

    Regina, The Crazy Nuts Mom
    www.thecrazynutsmom.com

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  39. Hello..first time coming by via Voiceboks! Have a nice week ahead..

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  40. Cute blog and the last picture in this post made me laugh out loud! New Follower!

    When you get a chance, please visit my blog and follow if you like :)

    Krista
    http://www.the-not-so-desperate-chef-wife.com/

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  41. Potty training...ugh. For the first time in my life, since 1995...all my kids go on the toilet. Praise God!!!!

    Sharon

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  42. Keep going. Accidents happen:) I used to potty train our daughter by putting the alarm on every up to 2 hours, or 30 minutes after if she drinks liquid. My daughter and I were in constant 'argument' with this, until she get used to do it her own, and get disgusted and uncomfortable with wearing diaper. Her potty training lasted for up to 3 months, until then we saved a lot from not buying anymore diapers:)

    Following your lovely blog. I am also inviting you to add your blog at Momma's Lounge ( http://olahmomma.com/momlounge ) where you meet more mom bloggers, shout away, add your giveaways and business links and get featured by sharing your crafts, recipes and interesting musings. Following us back is deeply appreciated.

    Thanks and have a great day!

    http://olahmomma.com

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  43. This is a great story. I thought my potty training days were over and baby #3 arrived. I remember times when my now middle would just pee on the sidewalk while playing with the neighbors. I knew when I heard the kids screaming I needed to grab the bucket ASAP. Good Times!

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  44. My son is 5 and STILL pretends he needs to "take a break" and sit down, holding his penis shut, but denying he actually needs to pee. And he's got no sensory issue as an excuse, nor is he obstinate. He just despises stopping what he's doing and doing that horribly exhausting chore of actually pulling his pants down low enough to pee (as if it really takes that much effort for men). Very funny story, BTW!

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  45. Great - but terrifying. We have slowly started to introduce the potty to the twins and there are intensely mixed feelings. We're going to try a more proactive approach at Christmas. ACK!

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  46. I was very happy that I found this website. I want to to thank you for this excellent information!! I absolutely appreciated every bit of it and I have bookmarked your website to see the new stuff you post later on.
    Potty Training Problems

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  47. How funny! I'm looking forward to all the potty training stories I'm sure I'll have, our little one is 14 months now so its coming up quickly!

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  48. I don't miss potty training but that picture of her on the potty is beyond adorable!

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  49. Oh my gosh Jenn, this is a classic! I am still giggling thinking about your daughter over her brother's pillow.

    Will you link this up on our Little Comedy Club Hop? It's one everyone can relate to, and it's just hilarious. Plus you're such a good writer!
    Courtney:)
    http://www.mommyladyclub.com/p/hes-little-character.html

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  50. I am so glad that is over and I never have to do that again! Those were crappy days for sure. I have recently got my son out of the habit of peeing in our kitchen sink and for a long few years, every pool my daughter went in, she took a crap. Kids...
    Jill

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