Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What's That Smell?

For the past week I've noticed a rather odd odor floating around me—something vaguely chemical—oh I know!  It's that cheap self-tanner I'm slathering all over myself in preparation for our trip to the shore!

Okay, maybe it's wrong of me to call it cheap—just because I bought it at the Dollar Tree I shouldn't automatically assume it's crap—it is made by Hawaiian Tropic after all.  I discovered it in my local Dollar Tree approximately six years ago and have been planning on using it every summer since... but first I just forgot, and then I got pregnant and didn't want to slather myself with chemicals while incubating a human fetus for fear my child might be born with a palm tree sprouting out of its head—after all, that's what's pictured on the bottle of the self-tanner (a palm tree, not a mutant baby.  Obviously.)

And then when I was breastfeeding I still avoided slopping on the goo, for fear of my baby ending up looking like this:
By the time all the breastfeeding was done, I had gotten so out of shape that the thought of bothering to tan anything didn't matter, since the idea of showing my legs in public made me want to cry and I was therefore not planning on revealing anything anyway.

Then I got pregnant again, breastfed again, finally lost the baby weight...and, well, now I'm giving the self-tanner a try, especially since it promises to camouflage such terrors as spider veins, and, ahem, cellulite.  Of course, at this point I believe the goop has been expired for at least five years, so it's no surprise that I've merely gone from "pasty white girl" to "pasty white girl who looks like she might have gone outside for ten minutes on an overcast day" during the past week that I've been slathering it on.

Still, I feel like I should at least make the effort, especially since I purchased eight bottles of the stuff when I found it all those years ago, and those eight bottles have been taking up precious real estate in my bathroom cabinets ever since.  Come on...Hawaiian Tropic self-tanner for a dollar?  How could I not stock up?!

At any rate, all of this slathering of goo has caused me to be a bit stinky, and frankly, I'm surprised my husband hasn't noticed yet.  He is blessed with an unbelievably sensitive nose and usually notices the slightest change of odor in anything. 

In fact, when I got pregnant with my first child, at some point during the first month I climbed into bed next to him to snuggle up, and he remarked, "Hmmm.... you smell different."  (He was just referring to my skin, by the way... we were barely even touching at the time).  I made the mistake of asking how exactly I smelled different, and he pondered for a minute, then responded, "I don't know exactly.  You just smell kind of... gamey.

I don't know if there's any good way to take it when your husband tells you you smell gamey, but according to him I took it the wrong way because I pretty much burst into a fit of hormonal sobbing and turned my back on him, refusing to touch him for the rest of the evening.  I then spent the rest of my pregnancy obsessively sniffing various areas of my body to see if I detected anything that might smell like, well, alligator per se.  Or maybe wild boar.

But at any rate, I explained to him yesterday as I climbed into bed that any strange smells emanating from my person were to be attributed to self-tanner, and he predictably laughed at me and asked me why the heck I was bothering with self-tanner.

"Because we're going to the beach, and I don't want to be pasty white!"  I responded.  He argued that he and the kids would be pasty white too, so what difference did it make?

How could I explain that I secretly fantasized that this little bottle would magically transform me from an average housewife into THIS!!???

I know... keep dreaming, right?
I decided not to point out that no one would really care if he was pasty, or to go into the details of how cellulite is significantly less noticeable on tanned skin, so I just told him that he wouldn't understand, that he should shut up about it already, and that he'd best not make any comments on how I smell for the next few days if he had any hopes of "getting lucky" before our trip.  He nodded.  Good—we were on the same page.

So this morning I was doing my usual ritual slopping-on of goop, and I think I added a bit more than usual in a frantic effort to eek at least a little of the "natural island glow" this product promised to impart.  I also applied super-duper amounts of the stuff to my inner and outer thighs in an attempt to "contour" my legs, as I'd been advised to do by Glamour magazine in order to provide the optical illusion of slimmer "gams." (I didn't tell my husband about the contouring part... I would never hear the end of it.)

So I smelled particularly offensive this afternoon while making my daughter her lunch, which is probably why I didn't immediately notice that she had pooped herself massively, soiling not only herself, but her outfit, the carpet, and the surrounding toys too.

Normally I would have smelled something like that in a heartbeat—the whole room stank.  But I didn't notice her condition until I approached her to tell her that lunch was ready, at which point I promptly gagged and reconsidered the idea of lunch altogether.  I was immediately forced to strip my daughter down, throw away the outfit she was wearing and frantically carry her upstairs—held away from me at arms' length—to plop her in the bathtub. 

After bathing her I convinced her to take a nap (she didn't even want lunch, and I had lost my appetite too), and then I tiptoed back downstairs to face the waiting mess.  I tackled the carpet with a rag and some knockoff Oxi-Clean (also ironically purchased about six years ago from the Dollar Tree), shuddered viscerally at the stink of it all, threw the rag in the laundry and went upstairs to have some "quiet time" for Mommy (this usually involves my bed, the computer, and some Valium).

So now the house is quiet, and here I sit, typing away and calming myself down.  But what's killing me now is that I can't seem to shake the poo smell.  I still faintly detect it, even though I've thoroughly wiped myself down and cleaned everything downstairs.  But even with all that effort, between the poo odor and the self-tanner smell, I'm just about ready to yack, and I have a nagging feeling that I'm now infecting my bed with invisible poo molecules.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I'm a mom—what I really need...what I seem to always need, in fact—is another shower, not skinny thighs.  Screw "contouring!"  I'm going to wash off!
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  1. I peed myself from laughing.Which is even funnier cause that is the name of your last post! :)

  2. Aahahaha this post made me laugh so hard! I love the photoshopped picture of you on the model...or is that some random girl's face on your body?? Anyway, I love your blog, am a new follower!

  3. You crack me up!!
    I'm a new follower on gfc, twitter and fb. I hope you will follow me from blogging buddies Thursday blog hop.

  4. yes, that's what we mommies do... abandon self-tanners and scented body lotions... because our husbands are already lucky if we could even get a chance to shower!

    Thanks for linking up with us at the Thoughtful Thursday blog hop. Would appreciate it if you can follow us, the hosts, back :)

  5. Ok, if the SMELL of self-tanner is the worst you get out of it, consider yourself lucky. Even buying the lightest shade possible, I still ended up with white spots where I missed a spot on top of my feet and an allover orange look that was neither glowing nor healthy looking. I'll pass.


    PS - I'm that wacko that you see on the beach under and umbrella with hat and glasses on, wearing a long sleved cotton shirt with the towel draped over her knees. And I still manage to get the tops of my feet burned. UGH!

  6. So I guess not enough Febreeze to freshen that smell, uh. But, congrats on losing all the baby weight. It's not easy for moms to give up chocolate, coffee, chocolate, more coffee. Oops that's not me. Just kidding.
    Love reading your post and glad to see it on voiceBoks.
    Wishing you a great day,
    Español para Niños (Spanish for Kids)

  7. Thank you for stopping by my blog. OMG!, this is one of the funniest posts I've read...LOVE the humor!!!!

  8. This is so funny! After having my kids I loaded up on stretch mark creams, which stink and don't work anyway. I finally threw them out!

  9. I gave you an award, please go here to accept:

  10. Too funny! I love the part where you made sure you didn't smell like wild boar:) Great post

  11. LOL!! I hope the smell has faded by now!

  12. I love your blog, am a new follower!


  13. Oh my gosh! This is so hilarious! I agree that what I need {most days} is just a good ole shower. I'm a new follower from the Monday Mingle. Such a cute site! Would love a follow back!

  14. You are hilarious! Did you ever get the tanner off?

  15. Going to the "shore" you must be from Jersey!

    funny blog.

    Cranky Old Man

  16. On the upside, this lack of not wanting to eat may assist in the loss of a lb or two which will vastly improve the tone and texture of the artificially tanned bod!
    Just keep spraying some in the air til the scales 'tip' in your favor ;)

  17. First time visitor, visiting from Thoughtful Thursdays Blog Hop. You crack me up. 8 years!!! Your crazy LOL. I will admit though that I did buy saline at a really god price, but didn't use some of it fast enough, squirted it into my contact case and it was green.. no smell though. Still laughing at your story!!! So happy I hopped by! Happy cleaning and stink removal! -Laverne

  18. Too funny!!!

    I'm your newest follower via GFC, FB, and Twitter from Thankful For Friends Thursday Blog Hop! Feel free to check out my blog and follow back:

  19. Great post! Ah, the things we grandmother used to say 'You have to suffer to be beautiful." I guess things haven't changed...
    ps-Stumbled this one!

  20. SO funny! I'm a new follower from vB and I love your blog! I can completely appreciate your sense of humor. This year I vowed to stay out of the sun, and give up diet coke. The news says both are bad for you, something about skin damage and strokes I think. But I SO miss my diet coke and as I have written about it my blog, chub looks better tan. I love your blog and I will definitely be back! Check out my blog if you can!

  21. I'm here from a blog hop & following you. I enjoyed this post. Just yesterday I posted about my issues with post-baby body...and breastfeeding is definitely related to that. It's like everything me related is on hold (permanent or not??) to be there for my baby... anyways. GREAT POST!

    Hope you'll check out my blog, too!

  22. LOL Great post! Hope you're having a smell free day :) Following you back

  23. I have to say, this is the second post I read that made me laugh out loud with tears streaming down my face. I LOVE your blog girl. If you don't mind I'm going to add it to my blog roll.

    This is Dayna from Great Beauty Buys. I'm following you from a Friday blog hop. Have a great weekend.

  24. LOL, sometimes we mothers are so tuned in to our kids we don't even notice these things! Ha! Great post!

  25. I love it. I read this post with a smile on my face (sorry but it's true) and actually laughed out loud when I read and visualized you sniffing to make sure you didn't smell like an alligator or a wild boar, lol.
    Hello I am a new GFC fan from VoiceBoks. Please visit me back at My 2 Cents

    Thank you

  26. *sigh* I know how you feel... I am very vain too...but thank God I dun have any weight issue after giving birth. Anyway, just so you know, I'd stock up too if the tanner only cost a dollar. Who wouldn;t? >.<

  27. Newest follower from the Friday Blog Hop. Please stop by and follow back.

  28. OK, so I'm lying in bed, it's late and I stumble upon your blog and start reading this post, because to be honest, I have smelt how you smell...what do they put in that self tanning stuff!? I got to the part where your husband says you smell 'gamey' and I'm literally laughing out loud!! And then your daughter poops everywhere!! and I'm hooked lol, can't wait to read more :)
    Newest follower...hi!!

  29. Too funny, hope u have a fun vacation. Thanks for stopping by my blog, following u back

  30. Hahaha - I totally wish I could do that with my face too, but also walk around like that, not JUST a photo. Yay!

  31. Hope the smell has subsided..too funny!
    Newest follower from vB monday free hope you will check us out too and followback at

  32. The choice is yours ... 'to tan or not to tan, that is the smell question!' love the post. Nina

  33. so, i just "ran into" your buddy chaz, from the WEN hair care system and had to stop by and say hello, haha!! he was plastered on the side of a website i was on. glaring at me through my computer screen with his half human/half monkey/ a tiny part female, eyeliner-y smoky eyes. i immediately thought of you :)
    i hope you're having an amazing vacation!
    i busted out laughing at that picture! you are SEXY and i can totally tell you used WEN the day of that picture!!
    this post had me dying of laughter, as always. i could read your posts all day! <3
    maria xoxo

  34. Nice picture . Even if it is someone elses body. Anna

  35. Hi! I am a new follower from the Finding New Friends Blog Hop. Please follow me back and feel free to drop by Horseshoes anytime.

  36. You are so cute! Your comment on our blog just made my day! I'm so glad I've found your blog and am following you now too! I definitely want to check out Thanks for telling me about it! I think I may turn that page on our blog into a recipes page and move the books to the sidebar like you have done. Hope you have a great weekend, and thanks again for stopping by!!

  37. Hi, I'm a new gfc follower of your blog from Fun Tuesday Hop :) Smile.


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