Most of the time I am sunny, cheerful, and looking to uplift everyone around me. I am usually thinking, "How can I make this person smile" as I go through the day. So why is it that I sometimes can't seem to keep the momentum going when it comes to my kids?
I am a photographer, and after a string of illnesses, hospital visits, and general disasters that have befallen our family recently, I was sad that we had missed the opportunity to get Easter pics taken as a family this year. So... my photography studio to the rescue! I had been looking to build a studio in my basement literally for YEARS, and I finally did... and after spending big dough on lights and backdrops and props, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to break in my new equipment for some charming Easter photos!
Well, the chaos began when we couldn't convince my son to put his Easter clothing on, then one of my lights malfunctioned, then my daughter sat in her adorable little white poofy dress in her adorable giant Easter basket and just cried...and cried.... and wailed... and screamed.
My husband was generally ticked off because of all the chaos, so he was snapping at the kids, and having someone screaming "You SIT THERE and SMILE, DAMMIT" just doesn't lend itself to creating a "naturally charming photo."
After tons of fighting with the kids, the lights, the set, the props, the clothing, and each other, we ended up with a bunch of pictures that were mediocre at best, and just downright terrible at worst. And I confess I am just plain ANGRY about the whole damn situation. And right now I hear both kids screaming hysterically downstairs, and I feel like a colossal failure because my husband is down there by himself with them trying to feed them dinner while I am lying in bed in the upstairs bedroom because my back hurts. I should be helping more. I should be doing better.... I should be a better mommy... I should be more patient... I should be a better wife... and I should probably stop beating myself up.
I am human... I'm a mother...and I'm sure we've all had these moments. I think I need a good cry and maybe a Valium. Given some time to reflect, I could probably find a great way to rewrite this so I could laugh about it... but let's face it... there are some moments when laughter just isn't going to happen, and you just have to give yourself credit for keeping your head above water. So I'm treading water, trying not to sink, and looking forward to bedtime like the second coming of Christ! I think for honesty's sake I will leave this blog just as it is... I will not rewrite it to be witty, or funny, or clever, or enticing. It will just be me... bewildered and blogging.