Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I'm a Naughty Little Santa

No, not that kind of naughty Santa—although I admit that would be fun.  I have often thought it would be nice to dress up in one of those sexy Santa-girl costumes and pose for my husband á la Mariah Carey on one of her album covers... you know, where she is attempting to look cute but unfortunately only succeeds in looking like she's anxiously waiting to do it "reindeer style." 

I mean, if this pose doesn't say, "Come and get me, Rudolph," I don't know what does.

But unfortunately, dressing up in a sexy Santa costume would just be a waste of time and money, for I found out a long time ago that my husband prefers me in my boring tees and sleep shorts.  I learned this difficult lesson early in our marriage when (look away now, mom) I thought I'd spice things up a bit by donning a naughty french maid outfit—fishnets and all.

We were away on some couples' getaway (probably for Valentine's Day), and I sauntered from the plush hotel bathroom in my getup, ready to see my husband's jaw drop and the tv remote hit the floor.

Unfortunately I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for.

When my hubby saw me, he screwed up his face, furrowed his brow and said, "What the hell are you wearing?"  I did my best "I've been a bad, bad girl" impression, clasped my hands together in front of me and pouted, and said in a rather suggestive voice, "I've been a naughty maid—I forgot to clean the bedroom.  I think you need to do something about it."  I winked at him.

He laughed as if he had just witnessed a particularly offensive scene from one of the Jackass movies.  "Honey, take that crap off," he said.  "You look ridiculous." 

Now it was my jaw that dropped. "You don't like it?"  I asked, completely crushed at being so obviously snubbed. 

"No. It's trashy," he said. 

"But isn't that the point?  I did all of this for you!" I argued, my feather duster trembling in my hands as I grew more upset.  How could he not appreciate all the effort I had gone to for his benefit?  I struggled not to cry; tears would certainly ruin the five coats of extra-black lengthening mascara I had meticulously applied for the occasion.  As I stood there fuming, I realized that my rock-hard lashes could probably be used as weapons if need be, and I considered going in for a kiss and stabbing him purposefully in the eyeball for his obliviousness.    

"Honey," he said gently, "I love you the way you are—in your flannel jammies or your tee shirt and boxers.  This whole... getup... just isn't you.

I wanted to tell him that it was indeed me—that there was a part of me that longed to be naughty, but my husband was just too "nice" a guy for that, so I sullenly changed back into my plaid pajama pants, scrubbed the mascara off my face (half of my lashes came off with it) and snuggled up next to him to watch an episode of Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel.  After the Mythbusters had produced a few massive explosions, my hubby grew more excited, rolled over and asked me if I'd be up for some nookie. 

I realized I'd been barking up the wrong tree with the french maid outfit; it's likely I would have gotten a much better reaction if I had just set myself on fire instead.

I suppose I should have anticipated his behavior to some degree—after all, he'd always been the "nice guy."  When we were dating, I was never able to uncover any reading material racier than Popular Science or Consumer Reports in his apartment.  He didn't own a single issue of Playboy, or even Maxim. There were no posters of scantily clad girls anywhere in his bedroom; instead he displayed tastefully painted landscapes and the occasional motivational poster depicting a mountain climber with the word "Inspiration" printed in large letters underneath.

He confirmed his "clean" image when he saw my belly-button piercing for the first time and nearly had a seizure. 

"Ugh!  You've got one of those?" he said with revulsion.  I looked at my belly, worried that perhaps I had grown a third nipple since the last time I had seen my midsection; I couldn't fathom what he was so upset about. "Your belly button is pierced! That's such a turnoff!" he complained.

"A turn-off?" I asked, completely shocked.  At the time, my pre-baby belly was flat and firm; I was taking martial arts classes and had developed quite the set of abs.  I thought the sparkly adornment would be the perfect surprise for him to find underneath my usually stuffy schoolteacher attire. 

But in my hubby's eyes, the sparkly gem was the ultimate "tramp stamp."  Despite his protestations, I left the bangle in for several months anyway—heck, I was proud of my flat belly and it had certainly been quite the pain in the ass to get it pierced... I wanted to at least get my money's worth out of it—but eventually, as we got more serious, I realized that the belly-button piercing was way more of a turnoff for him than any dimples on my bum would ever be, so I removed it. 

And so the eight years of our marriage have passed by with no naughty outfits, no nudey pics, and no odd piercings or tattoos. 

But this year when my hubby gave me his Christmas list—which consisted of socks, dress shirts, a watch, boxer shorts, some new ties, and white tee shirts to go under his work clothing—I thought, wow... we have really hit rock bottom here.  I can't do anything fun with this list.  And something inside me sort of snapped.

I went out Christmas shopping and spotted a pair of killer platform patent-leather stilettos.  Instead of passing them over and reminding myself I was out shopping for my husband's socks, I just threw those babies right into the cart.  I did the same with a cute gray pair of Skechers boots (even though I already had two other pairs of gray boots.)  I bought myself some lip plumper and sleek hair serum, and on a particularly decadent excursion flexed my credit card at my favorite top-of-the-line makeup store. 

And then, one night, I called my girlfriends and we went on a pilgrimage to the nearest club to shake our tailfeathers and celebrate our sexiness.  I wore the killer stilettos and a slinky black mini that my sis had picked out for me, and we did shots of tequila and spent quite a bit of time shaking our fannies and twirling about on stage before the night was over.

Here I am pretty much assaulting one of my girlfriends with a bear hug at the end of the night.  Come to think of it, it's a wonder I didn't actually break my ankle in that footwear.

 But, you know, by 2 a.m. my feet were killing me—I was pretty sure I had at least four broken toes (said toes were actually purple when I took off the shoes), and I couldn't wait to get out of the uncomfortable dress and wash all the gloppy makeup off my face. 

Once I got home, I showered, changed into my comfiest jammies, and climbed into bed next to my softly snoring hubby.  He immediately turned over, entwined his fingers with mine, snuggled up to me and planted kisses in my hair.

I felt a swell of affection and was suddenly very thankful for this wonderful man in my bed—this man who didn't expect me to dress up for him—who loved my body exactly as it was and didn't want me to defile it with piercings, tattoos and other unnecessary adornments.

This man thought the most beautiful and sexy parts of our marriage were the normal, everyday interactions, the snuggles after a long day, the tender, exhausted kisses after putting our children to bed, and the special way we sleep with our fingers entwined under the pillow.

It's great to dress up and go out with the girls and feel sexy and naughty and daring, but I have to admit that it's even better to come back home to the man who loves me exactly as I am.

Although I do admit to wondering what he'd do if I showed up under the Christmas Tree one year looking like this!  

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  1. Torn whether to cheer this as a wonderful marriage or boo your husband because he's insane. Fun fun post as always. Merry Ho Ho

  2. Love this post Jenn. :) I'm sorry I'm unable to relate completely. Every year before Christmas I offer my hubby the 12 days of Christmas, which is 12 nights of sexy dress up. He loves it and says it's the best gift he could ever ask for. The rest of the year, I'm all about the comfy pajamas though. Lol!

    ~Blessings my sweet friend,

  3. What a nice guy. But seriously, a little Pirate Captain and kidnapped wench romp wouldn't hurt anyone! And the French Maid? DAMN!!

    Cranky Old (not dead) Man

  4. What a great hubby. You did ROCK that dress and heels though!! Woo hooooo!
    Love ya!

  5. What a great post! Good for you for finding the sexiness and comfort in the everyday life! Great girls night out attire, btw! Visiting from VB!

  6. Loved this post! First of all, that pic of Mariah looks like she's about to take a dump. Go ahead, look at it again. I love the fact that your husband loves you the way you are but I always know that feeling of wanting to show off another side of you. I think the night out with the girls is a great way to get your yaya's. I don't know, my b.f. is more like the "dress up for me, and don't wear anything" kind of man... shit, he just came into my office wearing only a t-shirt. My point is, the grass is always greener. LOVED!!!!

  7. My hubby is the exact same way. I spent the 1st few years trying to be to him what the world said that he wanted. He didn't. He said that porn and mags were degrading to women and those outfits did nothing to enhance my God given beauty. Kind of hard to argue with that. Now, I know what makes him hot and what makes me feel pretty. Sometimes those things mesh and sometimes they don't!

  8. too fnny. !!! One year I got a box from Victorias Secret from my husband for Christmas, hoping for something cute, it was a pair of flannel pajamas. Really??? I did not even think VS sold flannel. Thankfully they were too big and I had to return them, and got something cute then.

  9. That was hiarious Jenn. Kudos to your hubby for loving you just the way you are. It is always fun to try new things to keep it fun. My hubby would love it. You look totally hot bin that dress. It is good to go out n look hot but I'm with you can't wait to go home n put the comfy clothes back on.

    You guys are so sweet!

  10. Love this! Oh, and girlfriendmom is right - Mariah looks like she's got to poop lol.

    You totally rocked that girl's night out outfit. But how nice to come home and snuggle up with the guy you love. I get to do that, too.

  11. I have the opposite problem. Hubs wants me to dress sexy and I don't have the body for it! HA HA!! We tried 'talking dirty' and that failed. We end up laughing too hard! If you think about it, some of that 'talk' is pretty ridiculous!

  12. My husband is the same way. He doesn't get "sexy outfits". He thinks it's pointless when your just trying to get it off anyways! And Mariah looks like she's either inviting the snowman or pooping out snowballs. Hot.

  13. Jenn-you are hysterical! love the blog. Thanks for stopping over at mine. I too try to find the laughter at the end of the certainly isn't easy though!

    Have a wonderful holiday...I just started following you and I'll link your blog on my blog list. Love your sense of humor!


  14. You are hysterical! You rock that dress and heels! Go you! Feel free to link up to our Saturday laughs. Merry Christmas!

  15. I loved this post and I really loved that you gave yourself the gift of getting dressed up and exploring that part of you for you, how great! I also loved that you could go home get in your comfy pj's and be totally loved by your husband for that side of you too!! Great piece Jenn!!

  16. This is a very funny post, and very honest too. My hubby is the same way. Just likes me for my style. Although as we are getting older he's more interested in the really dressed up version of me (since I don't do it often).

    Husbands can really be surprising with their likes and dislikes. My husband had the same reaction to me talking about getting a small tattoo as yours did when he saw the belly button. Needless to say, no tattoo.

  17. Hi Jenn-I keep laughing thinking of how uncomfortable your hubs would be if you did show up in some naughty Santa outfit. Mouth dropping and confused run through my mind. Happy Holidays.
    Deliciously Happy

  18. Wonderful post. I also think you looked hot. I am so happy you where able to have a girls nite out. I wish you a Blessed New Year and I look forward to coming back here.

  19. I bet if you dressed up like that last pic he'd go find ya some clothes!!!! What a fortunate woman you are. :-)

  20. My husband is the exact same way! With almost 5 years of being together, I'm really realizing that he is a sweet, genuine guy that I can grow old with. Unlike most guys... My friends keep telling me their husband and boyfriends either want them to do REALLY dirty things for them all the time or they are cheating on them to get the dirty fix elsewhere. So I'm beginning to appreciate what I got even more! =)

  21. Our husbands are so much alike lol! Once my hubby said he bought me something to wear in the bedroom--it was a huge jersey /still laughing/

  22. Our husbands should hang out (though they would both probably rather stay at home alone and watch Myth Busters...)! I WAS following you, but somehow I got booted--it has been happening on a lot of the blogs I've been following (you can't be "unfriended" when following a blog, can you?! Maybe I should read the signs...), but I'm happy to be back because you always make me laugh! I have a lot of posts to catch up on...

  23. What a funny story. I bet your husband is a Cancer like mine, ha's always preferred flannel too. I'm here from the FNF hop. Was already following so w/ GFC so I did FNB this time and Liked your FB page. I hope you can do the same :) Cheryl

  24. How is it I never commented on this? I had to re-read it cause my aunt's visiting from OOT and we're so both cracking up! Yeah, haven't most of us tried to pull off the porno queen thing, only to have our husbands say, "UH...WTF?!"

    Kisses and happy new year funny mama!

  25. You are too funny! Following you from the blog hop.

  26. Your husband sounds like a good one. Mine is this way too, and that is probably just the way real life goes. If they wanted us all dressed up, they might be finding that somewhere else too. I wonder if the women who do wear these outfits have more marital problems? That would be an interesting statistic!

  27. "No it's trashy"'re officially the funniest mommy/bad santa blogger I've come across.

  28. I am a new follower to your blog and twitter! Love your posts. Too funny and entertaining :) Hope to see you over my way @ :)

  29. Your posts are so funny! I can't pull off the sexy outfits either. I was given some for our wedding shower and wore them maybe 2 times in the last 8 years. I will put them on, come out to where he is and we both just kind of giggle. It just isn't right. I am a very simple, yoga pants and t-shirt or one of his hoodies kind of girl. Thank goodness too, the other stuff just isn't comfortable!

  30. Hilarious! But I do have to say a few tears sprang to my eyes at your husband's reaction to the French maid outfit. That would have so hurt my feelings! You handled it all very well. Being able to be comfy and cozy with someone IS priceless. That's not something you buy in any shop. Followed you here from the Bad Girls of Blogging and I'm so glad I did. Excellent post, Jenn! :)

  31. Aw you are looking so cute in little naughty Santa costume....I just love this event as it comes only once a year but such happiness has always been hidden in this festival....Great stuff!!


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