Friday, December 2, 2011

Who Wants a New Vajayjay for Christmas?

Warning—this one's not for the faint of heart!!  
Men, look away while you still can!

 *  *
I don't consider myself a fickle person, but unfortunately I have a bizarre tendency to adopt ridiculous fads once I've been exposed to them long enough.  Take capri pants, for example.

When capris first came out and women across the country began walking around in pants that stopped at their calves, I thought—damn, that looks freaking ridiculous.  I shall never wear that.  Well, after a summer or two of seeing my fellow ladies blithely—and often proudly—exposing their cankles, I began to waver. Then one day I was browsing through Target and I saw a rack of capris, and I thought—what the hell—I might as well try on a pair.  Twenty minutes later I had purchased a set in every color, and as I marched to the car with my bags of loot, I smugly congratulated myself on being "on trend."  I modeled the pants for my husband, who asked me what the hell I was thinking.  I didn't have an answer.

My dislike for capri pants was nothing, however, compared to my general opposition to cosmetic procedures.  I have always been staunchly opposed to plastic surgery and cosmetic injectables, fillers and all that fake stuff that people stick into their bodies.  When Botox made its debut, I went on a bit of a righteous rampage.  I believe I shouted something to the effect of, "The name of the product has the word 'toxin' right in it!  What idiot would get poison injected into her face?" 

So you can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself pausing to read the Botox advertisement in my Glamour magazine the other day.  The ad featured an ageless, beautiful woman who gazed calmly at the camera with a look on her face that seemed to say, "Look how lucky and smart I am!  Don't you want to be pretty too?"

I walked to the bathroom and scrutinized my face in the mirror.  I frowned at the little creases in my face, but this motion only succeeded in making the furrows much more obvious. I forced myself to unscrunch my face, did some ridiculous facial shake-out maneuver that created a sound that was half "raspberry" and half gargle, and resumed perusing the article with curiosity.

I read through all the carefully crafted promotional speak and was starting to think that Botox might not be that bad after all... until I came to the part where they listed all the possible adverse reactions to it.  I bent closer to the magazine to read the small text, and there—in tiny little print—it said "Botox could cause death."

Um, holy crap... what?

So, you mean, I could go in for a simple facial line-softening procedure and... die?  I ripped out the page, crumpled it into a ball and angrily threw it in the trash.  I then spent the next week being disgusted with myself for being taken in by a Botox ad in the first place. What was happening to me?  I became convinced that our society was going to hell, courtesy of Hollywood and pop culture. 

Then, last night, I happened to see a post on Masshole Mommy's blog discussing Vaginal Rejuvenation.  Apparently Masshole Mommy had been harassed by so many radio advertisements for vaginal rejuvenation that she felt she needed to address it publicly.  I had to admit my curiosity was piqued.

First of all, I'm not quite sure what Vaginal Rejuvenation even is.  I know it involves a laser, and when I think of lasers, I remember a show I saw in middle school gym class where the teacher brought in a little fold-up screen and some dude came in with a projector thingy that made dancing dolphins appear in shiny green light.

I highly doubt there are dolphins involved in this particular procedure (although I'm not ruling out sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads).

I admit to quickly skimming Masshole Mommy's post, mostly because I didn't really want to know what the whole procedure entailed.  It sounded dreadful and unnecessary and vain, and I didn't want the disturbing details infiltrating my brain.

About three quarters of the way though the post I skipped down to the comment section to see what people had to say.  Most folks had a similar reaction to mine—WTF??!!   Many, I think, took the mere mention of vaginal rejuvenation as an insult to their own cha-chas, and used their comments to assert that their vajayjays were just fine—thank you very much (although many did suggest that perhaps Michelle Duggar might benefit from the procedure).* 

Then I happened upon a comment by a doctor, who proceeded to defend the surgery, discussing the many benefits the procedure can have for women with bladders or rectums that *gasp* bulge into the vagina... or...  (lalalalalalala)—this was the point at which I covered my eyes and shouted, "No more!  The horror!!"

I stopped reading.  I was afraid I wouldn't sleep for a week.

However, knowing my tendencies, I do fear that the whole concept of revitalizing my vajayjay might lodge itself into my brain like an insidious little worm, whispering from my subconscious that my own cha-cha would certainly look prettier if it were a tad lighter pink...or some other such nonsense.

I'm sure I'll start seeing billboards advertising the procedure soon; society is certainly quick to adopt any new beauty trend.  Heck, if Oprah were still on the air, I would half expect to see her do a Vajayjay Giveaway on her next Favorite Things episode.  I could just picture it... "And YOU get a new vajayjay!  And YOU get a new vajayjay!" (Cue shrieks and squeals).

In fact, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if, next year at Christmas, Target offers a sale on rejuvenated vajayjays.  I imagine I would be there—in spite of myself—perusing the rack and eventually selecting a petite one in the coveted "baby pink" shade.

If you'd like to read Masshole Mommy's post, click here!

*Disclaimer—I am not slamming Michelle Duggar; I am just relaying what was written on another blog. I have nothing but respect for Michelle.  I might not agree with her, but I admire that she has the gumption to follow her beliefs even when it means being harshly criticized by much of society.  How many of us have the guts to do the same?
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  1. Um...Yes, this is one subject the world just does not need to know about. I'm thinking someone just wants to make money.

  2. LOL! Oh Darling, never mind "baby pink" how about hot fuchsia with sparkles instead? Blowing kisses my Dear... xoxo OH, redid and revived my twitter account if you still need a bone...

  3. Not sure if I'm more horrified at the topic, horrified I read it, horrified with it all. But I'm crying / laughing picturing Oprah going "and you get a vajayjay and you fatty in the back, dont you need a new vajayjay" god, its all just so wrong.
    Another awesome post.

  4. Idk. It really depends. I read about this a long time ago because I always read about bizarre stuff. There has to be legitimate situations where one would need this. What if you're a vagina model, for example?

  5. Hahaha! Well, can't deny that I am intrigued by the whole thing, but lasers? I won't even get laser eye surgery, I'm not letting them down under. You know you can get your who-ha bedazzled? Yes maam. I'm sure there will be vaginal rejuvenation home parties and Wal-mart will do some knock-off Vaginal firming cream pretty soon. Maybe Duggar can get an endorsement deal? Funny post!

  6. Jeez - there is a solution for every imperfection isn't there?!

    I have vaguely heard of vaginal rejuvenation but I'm with you, the potential for disaster prevents me from doing anything more than whitening my teeth :)

  7. OMG! ... I ... Gasp ... Can't... Breathe... LOL

  8. LOVED this! I think we all initially think "ew!" or "Why would anyone DO that" and then we find that it gets in our psyche and we wonder, "Is mine ok the way it is?" whatever that "mine" is. None of us would probably even THINK of doing any of this stuff if it weren't for the hype. Makes you feel like you aren't ok the way you are. Now....having said that, if I could afford a tummy tuck, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am petite and thin and have very strong stomach muscles, BUT, I can NOT do anything about he loose skin that was created through my pregnancies. Nothing but surgery could take care of that. Then I wonder "Who cares?" No one is going to see it. But, it bothers me. So there.

    Anyhow, no effin' WAY would I ever have surgery "Down THERE!"

    Your Oprah scene cracked me up!!!

  9. Bwahaha - hilarious. That comment from the doctor caught me off guard. Especially the part about the women whose asses were coming out of their vagina. Good gawd. And, I have to admit that I had NO CLUE who Michelle Duggar even was until people started leaving comments about her. I had to google her - what a crazy woman popping out all those kids. Yikes.

  10. i have a 'friend'
    who last year
    spent about $16k on a tummy tuck
    and a boob job

    i couldn't understand why
    until we all learned
    that she was having multiple affairs
    and intended to divorce her husband

    i think
    when it comes to vanity
    people are out of their minds
    with what they are willing to pay
    to have done to their bodies

    i guess i'm thankful
    that my hubs does not expect perfection
    but loves me for who i am

    saggy boobs and all

    by the way
    i found you on Bloggy Moms!


  11. I know a doctor pretty well who does these surgeries (I am in the OC, after all). They are primarily for women who have had tears during childbirth and need um, fixing up down there. Stuff isn't working right -- without going into great detail and grossing out your readers.

    Like any surgical procedure, there's a lot of pain involved. He told me that he won't do the surgery for women who don't need it. It's costly and frankly, he has too many women in pain who've been dealing with issues from births for years who now have an option. Sure, there are probably some nice um, benefits :) and I imagine he does do some cosmetic stuff. Whatever. We didn't get deep into it haha.

    I think people laugh and are uncomfortable discussing any topic having to do with our privates and that's understandable. It's funny to think about someone getting their girl gussied up. But some women actually need it, for actual medical reasons, laughable or not.

    Now, I can't imagine a guy needing a penis enlargement for medical reasons-- that, I'd pay to see hahaha

  12. Too funny! The Oprah reference, hilarious. I could hear her saying that, haha! Thanks for joining my blog hop by the way, following you too!

    Erica @

  13. This is going to stay in my mind for such a long time!! I sort of feel like my son did when I started the "sex" talks, so just imagine me with my hands on my ears shouting "I'm not listening, I'm not listening"!! Great and funny post Jenn!! xoxo

  14. Wow! When will it stop.
    You know, the fall of Rome happened, in part, because of such narcissism. (Of course, for women who need the surgery because of complications, well... that seems okay.)

  15. First of all, there is nothing wrong with Botox. Ever 8 months sister sledge and I LOVE IT!! And because I know that you would want to know, you can anal bleaching to your must needs! xo

  16. I LOVE your blog, your honesty, your humor. THIS is hilarious. :) I'll have to check out Masshole Mommy's post.

  17. oh my goodness, WOW, what will the fashion world come up with next? Hey, YOU TOO can permanently change your bone structure to have the perfect body shape you've always wanted, just a simple life threatening procedure, but hey, it's worth it to be fashionable! And the Dr's can say, "it's beneficial for those that were born with a larger bone structure, because now they can finally experience what it is like to be attractive" ...Oh goodness! What will they think of next!

    The middle of the post had me a little worried, but i was intrigued and I can now say this was quite an enjoyable and funny read. Thank you!

    Your VB Friend JadeLouise Designs

  18. Very funny, I thought I was scandalous talking about my period.....

  19. As a mom of 10 who gave birth 8 times in 8 years, I am chagrined to admit I would totally LOVE to be in the audience for a Oprah Extreme Girltown Makeover episode. Amongst girlfriends I joke about the echo, how my kids and dogs seem to be trapped in an orbit as they circle my body courtesy of the black hole, how my husband dons grappeling hooks and bunjee cords before "relations" in case he falls in and how we keep 911 programmed into a walkie talkie I had my OB/GYN drop off in there last check up...
    Well...they THINK I'm joking....
    LOVE the blog! Will definately be back!

  20. In defense of my love for capris: I have ugly knees and odd thighs, so I hate shorts. (But now I am worried that I have cankles...yikes.) As for the other stuff -- down here they run full on TV and radio ads for these rejuvenation procedures. Super creep stuff, imho.

    Hopped over from Monkey Do Monday (yes, I realize it's now Tuesday) -- glad to meet ya! :)

  21. Well, if I can talk about poop, snot and who knows what else on my blog, you certainly can talk about your vajayjay. I think I will keep my old looking vajayjay though, it has served me well over the years.

    I love capris, but that is because I have bird legs and shorts look like crap on me.

  22. Awww...I hate it when I read your posts from my phone and then have a totally great comment for you, but forget what it was because I got interrupted to go wipe my potty training child's rear end and then two or three days later I visit you again to wonder what the heck it was I wanted to say in my comment. This isn't nearly as awesome of a comment as I wanted it to be. But - I used to look at my vajayjay with a hand mirror when I was younger because I was curious. Ahem.. however now that I've birthed two children from that area I'm too afraid to look at the damage. I figure if my husband still keeps coming back for more I have nothing to worry about. Lol! Great post as usual my sweet friend.


  23. Wow-thanks for exposing this topic...hehe. It is a myth that in California all women have plastic surgery and Botox...well, at least not in MY part of California!

  24. How many different looks can a vjay have anyways? If a vjay rejuvination can make mine look like Venus de Milo...I may consider it. Coz right now it's just a bulging mass of fuzziness...tmi? Good one Jenn!

  25. *gasping for air*
    You had me at Oprah. "YOU get a new vajayjay and YOU get a new vajayjay!" I will never be the same....But seriously I am amazed at the things people do to their bodies to fit into some ideal category. For some reason a lot of younger women I know think that they have to have these perfect pink compact little vaginas when in reality there are a huge variety of shapes, sizes, hues...But enough about that. No way in HELL I'm letting some dude with a laser get anywhere near my lady parts.

  26. lol love this -- but i am always a sucker for a good vagina post!

    i read & commented (yeah i was one of those peep proclaiming my ladies bits to be a-okay) on massholemommy's post. i live nearby & hear those same ads she mentioned. and i guess in perspective to gals who legitimately need the surgery good for them -- but i can soooo relate to being caught up in the *fads* -- i find myself contemplating botox on occasion & won't lie -- if i could validate the expense i probably would be all over it.

    i am all for doing whatever makes ya feel good -- even if it's laser beams on your vajayjay!

    thanks as always for linking up on my *no more muffin top* hop -- we need more links like yours!

    misadventures of a chunky goddess

  27. Great laugh and post so nice to meet you.I have just found your lovely blog through the blog hop Lovin this weekend wonderful to join in. I'm now following you hope you visit me and follow back so nice to find new friends to catch up with. Have a great day.

    Always Wendy

  28. Jenn, I am speechless! I had no idea it could go this far. I can't even understand where people get the time to go this far with... Interesting post, to say the least and i agree with Ama La Notte, no man should ever come close to these parts with a laser... :-)

  29. I'm stopping by from the finding new friends hop. I'm following by gfc, twitter and facebook. I'd love if you'd stop by my blog too. Have a great day.


  30. I have to say I have never heard about it. Oh my goodness, I can not even fathom!! Crazy! People will go to that extreme to get things done. Never would happen to me with a dr. performing this procedure. You made me crack up with your post thought!! I need a new vajajay-BAHHHH!!!! You are a hysterical poster. I love it!!!

  31. Ha! Love your sense of humour. I've heard of the procedure before. I surely don't need it. Stopping by from BSN blog hop.

  32. Holy crap, I can't stop laughing. Must breathe. TOO funny! "You get a new vajayjay, and YOU get a new vajayjay". Too much.

    I used to wonder why people cared so much. Now I know why they do. I'm fat, wrinkled, gray, saggy where I'm not lumpy; and bumpy where I'm neither of those things. I've been know to pluck, shave, wax, dye, and otherwise enhance my appearance but like you; I draw the line at death for no wrinkles.

    Thanks for the laugh (on a pretty serious subject) and needless to say, I'm a new follower. Guess I said it anyway. ;) I look forward to reading more.

  33. Of course I forgot to thank you for the awesome Dr. Evil reference ;)

  34. Hi! We’re just dropping by to follow from Sarah’s Take Three Tuesday. We’d love it if you would follow us back.

    I would have read your post, but you warned me not to, and I followed your heeding.

    Jason & Bethany Morford

    Morford’s Media

  35. You are right most dont have the guts and I give props just for that.
    I'm your newest follower on GFC and twitter. Please stop by mine too I am Mouse Fan Diane on twitter..

  36. Awesome post! Stopping by from

  37. While I would not subject myself to any sort of vajayjay rejuvination, I must admit that if Botox were free or $20 let's say, I would consider the risk. Thankfully it's out of my price range and I so far haven't let my vanity get the best of me!!

  38. lmao You are too funny. That is why I am presenting you with an award. Hope you'll stop by and pick it up. Thanks! Donna

  39. Hole on a sec, I have to wipe the spit off the tv from my tea flying out of my mouth.

    I cannot believe you used the words "Laser" and vajayjay in the same blog post.


  40. jenn, i was reading this in bed the other night on my phone (sometimes my phone doesn't let me comment easily). i was hysterically laughing so hard. i couldn't stop. steve was laying next to me snoring away.
    the "you get a vajayjay, you get a vajayjay" made me almost pee myself!!
    you are a riot!! i can't even take it!!!

    seriously, i'd like to see some before and after pics of these rejuvenations (okay, NO i wouldn't!!)
    but what in the world?!
    thanks for the laughs!

  41. OMG! I can't say that I've ever given this much of a thought. Howwever, after hearing what my elderly MIL has to do to keep her bladder in place, I just might consider it. Still...

    I wanted to thank you for your kind words about my blog. I am so glad to have helped you find more Tudor fiction. It sounds like you are liking Weir's novel about Elizabeth I more than I did. :-)

    I love your blog and am glad you found me so that I could find you.


  42. I had actually heard of this several years ago, but I don't remember the context. All I remember was someone saying it would be a treat for your husband, and my indignant response was that I would get things "rejuvinated" if he did, if you get my meaning.

    Yeesh! First childbirth, then a hysterectomy, now this?!

  43. I am laughing and crying. It takes me awhile to get sucked into trends as well...
    Great post.

  44. First, most of my pants end up being capris, because I am tall. I can't do a thing about it but embrace it, and this is where absolutely gorgeous shoes can come in;)

    Second, keep using cha cha over va jay jay.

    Third, stay strong, and just say no to Botox! You watch, we will be seeing all kinds of weird stuff from that crap in the future;)

    Fourth, I love your posts!:)

  45. Funny post. I have close friends who've had both procedures. Unfortunately it was medically necessary. The vaginal surgery stopped incontinence and allowed the women (2 friends)to have a social life again. The botox allowed a woman to be able to keep her eys open. The muscles had weakened and she couldn't open her eyes. The medicine was a godsend to all of them, but it's not without drawbacks.

    I'm glad she posted (and you posted). The more we talk, the less isolated we feel when something goes wrong.

  46. I have my Tatas done, and I LOVES them. I celebrate the twins' birthday each year. They will be 3 on April 27th *tear*. I might need a new vajay one day, and if that day comes, I will buy one of those, too. Mine already pees on me when I laugh or sneeze. I blame the kids. /sigh.

    By the way, there is a term for sparkly, fuchsia vajayjays...vajazzled. You're welcome.

  47. I read about vaginal rejuvination some time ago, wondering who in the hell would opt to do this. The way I figure it, not enough people get to see it for me to spend that kinda loot and go through that kinda pain. I'd rather get Botox and die. Interestingly, on the Botox thing, this is a treatment option for my son who had a stroke. They use it to paralyze and weaken the tight muscles on the affected side of pediatric stroke survivors in the hopes that the "loosened" effect will allow them to start using the muscles more easily, gaining control over them and confidence to use them in the process. Eeks. We haven't been told we need this sort of treatment yet, but if it can help our little one use his arms and legs, we'll certainly consider it. I was never one for plastic surgery or cosmetic procedures either, but that was when my boobs, gut, and ass were in all the right places. Now that my rectum may or may not be bulging into my vagina, I may reconsider. But I'd probably get the girls done up top first. More people bear witness to that.

  48. Oh my word, this would have to be the funniest post i've read in a while (don't get me wrong, i do feel sorry for you as well) but oh my word!

    1. Thanks Emily! Glad you enjoyed it! And you were supposed to laugh... that was the point. You don't need to apologize... he he. I spend at least ten hours a week standing by the side of the road with a cardboard sign in my hands that reads "Will publicly embarrass myself for laughs." (Well, not really, but I probably would if it would make for a funny post). LOL Thanks for stopping by!

  49. jejejeje or lol lol lol (for english speakers) you´ve made my morning!!! And all the comments as well. This is soooooo what I needed today! Ready to face the day daydreaming with a hot, glittery and feathery vajayjay jejeje even love the name.
    Thanks for stopping by
    See you around


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