Warning—this one's not for the faint of heart!!
Men, look away while you still can!
* *I don't consider myself a fickle person, but unfortunately I have a bizarre tendency to adopt ridiculous fads once I've been exposed to them long enough. Take capri pants, for example.
When capris first came out and women across the country began walking around in pants that stopped at their calves, I thought—damn, that looks freaking ridiculous. I shall never wear that. Well, after a summer or two of seeing my fellow ladies blithely—and often proudly—exposing their cankles, I began to waver. Then one day I was browsing through Target and I saw a rack of capris, and I thought—what the hell—I might as well try on a pair. Twenty minutes later I had purchased a set in every color, and as I marched to the car with my bags of loot, I smugly congratulated myself on being "on trend." I modeled the pants for my husband, who asked me what the hell I was thinking. I didn't have an answer.
My dislike for capri pants was nothing, however, compared to my general opposition to cosmetic procedures. I have always been staunchly opposed to plastic surgery and cosmetic injectables, fillers and all that fake stuff that people stick into their bodies. When Botox made its debut, I went on a bit of a righteous rampage. I believe I shouted something to the effect of, "The name of the product has the word 'toxin' right in it! What idiot would get poison injected into her face?"
So you can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself pausing to read the Botox advertisement in my Glamour magazine the other day. The ad featured an ageless, beautiful woman who gazed calmly at the camera with a look on her face that seemed to say, "Look how lucky and smart I am! Don't you want to be pretty too?"
I walked to the bathroom and scrutinized my face in the mirror. I frowned at the little creases in my face, but this motion only succeeded in making the furrows much more obvious. I forced myself to unscrunch my face, did some ridiculous facial shake-out maneuver that created a sound that was half "raspberry" and half gargle, and resumed perusing the article with curiosity.
I read through all the carefully crafted promotional speak and was starting to think that Botox might not be that bad after all... until I came to the part where they listed all the possible adverse reactions to it. I bent closer to the magazine to read the small text, and there—in tiny little print—it said "Botox could cause death."
Um, holy crap... what?
So, you mean, I could go in for a simple facial line-softening procedure and... die? I ripped out the page, crumpled it into a ball and angrily threw it in the trash. I then spent the next week being disgusted with myself for being taken in by a Botox ad in the first place. What was happening to me? I became convinced that our society was going to hell, courtesy of Hollywood and pop culture.
Then, last night, I happened to see a post on Masshole Mommy's blog discussing Vaginal Rejuvenation. Apparently Masshole Mommy had been harassed by so many radio advertisements for vaginal rejuvenation that she felt she needed to address it publicly. I had to admit my curiosity was piqued.
First of all, I'm not quite sure what Vaginal Rejuvenation even is. I know it involves a laser, and when I think of lasers, I remember a show I saw in middle school gym class where the teacher brought in a little fold-up screen and some dude came in with a projector thingy that made dancing dolphins appear in shiny green light.
I highly doubt there are dolphins involved in this particular procedure (although I'm not ruling out sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads).
I admit to quickly skimming Masshole Mommy's post, mostly because I didn't really want to know what the whole procedure entailed. It sounded dreadful and unnecessary and vain, and I didn't want the disturbing details infiltrating my brain.
About three quarters of the way though the post I skipped down to the comment section to see what people had to say. Most folks had a similar reaction to mine—WTF??!! Many, I think, took the mere mention of vaginal rejuvenation as an insult to their own cha-chas, and used their comments to assert that their vajayjays were just fine—thank you very much (although many did suggest that perhaps Michelle Duggar might benefit from the procedure).*
Then I happened upon a comment by a doctor, who proceeded to defend the surgery, discussing the many benefits the procedure can have for women with bladders or rectums that *gasp* bulge into the vagina... or... (lalalalalalala)—this was the point at which I covered my eyes and shouted, "No more! The horror!!"
I stopped reading. I was afraid I wouldn't sleep for a week.
However, knowing my tendencies, I do fear that the whole concept of revitalizing my vajayjay might lodge itself into my brain like an insidious little worm, whispering from my subconscious that my own cha-cha would certainly look prettier if it were a tad lighter pink...or some other such nonsense.
I'm sure I'll start seeing billboards advertising the procedure soon; society is certainly quick to adopt any new beauty trend. Heck, if Oprah were still on the air, I would half expect to see her do a Vajayjay Giveaway on her next Favorite Things episode. I could just picture it... "And YOU get a new vajayjay! And YOU get a new vajayjay!" (Cue shrieks and squeals).
In fact, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if, next year at Christmas, Target offers a sale on rejuvenated vajayjays. I imagine I would be there—in spite of myself—perusing the rack and eventually selecting a petite one in the coveted "baby pink" shade.
I'M GOING TO HELL IN A HAND MIRROR.
------------------------------------If you'd like to read Masshole Mommy's post, click here!
*Disclaimer—I am not slamming Michelle Duggar; I am just relaying what was written on another blog. I have nothing but respect for Michelle. I might not agree with her, but I admire that she has the gumption to follow her beliefs even when it means being harshly criticized by much of society. How many of us have the guts to do the same?