Thursday, July 28, 2011

Sucker Punch

Apparently I have the word "sucker" tattooed on my forehead.  Who put it there?  Oh, yeah, it was probably me.

Over the years I have fallen victim to numerous scams, including many infomercial deals that simply looked too good to pass up.  My "doh!" moments have ranged from the obviously regrettable—$400 spent to get a bulk discount on a door-to-door salesman's concentrated organic cleaner—to the marginally worthwhile.

First, there was the home electrolysis machine I purchased when I was a mere teenager.  After receiving my battery-operated hair removal system in the mail, I spent hours hunched over my bikini zone with a crick in my neck, painstakingly inserting a little needle into the root of each errant hair follicle and zapping it with radio waves or whatever the heck those things emit.

Unfortunately this process only served to provide me with numerous tiny scabs; the stubborn hairs remained exactly where they were and eventually had to be removed in the normal fashion anyway.  I suppose I shouldn't have expected much in the way of permanent hair removal from a device that cost $29.95 and came with a free book light.

I also purchased some gadget that promised to "massage" away cellulite.  Ironically, I bought this contraption in my early twenties—way before having children—when I thought a little dimple here and there was actually something to worry about (oh, how naive I was).  Said machine succeeded only in greedily sucking and munching my flesh with its rollers, abusing my skin to the point of bruising.  Even so, I suppose it's true that the cellulite was a tad less noticeable afterwards; it was hard to spot the dimples amidst the blue and purple splotches that decorated my thighs.

I also bought the ThighMaster and the Ab Roller. I bought Coral Calcium and those bra clip thingies that pull the straps together in the back and are supposed to make your boobs look perkier.  I purchased a speed-reading program that guaranteed I'd be able to read forward, backward, and vertically (all at the same time), which would significantly enhance my comprehension rate.

After having my second child, I purchased the Ab Circle Pro in an attempt to get rid of my flabby belly.  Despite the fact that this workout required me to be on all fours while lewdly swinging my ass back and forth for all to see—I caught my husband gaping at me several times as my rump waved about in the air—I actually felt like I was getting a good workout from the contraption... until it broke a month after I had purchased it. I bought a replacement, which also wore out within four weeks.

At least, to date, I have avoided purchasing the Shake Weight on principle, but let's be honest -- if the price of the thing dropped below ten dollars, I'd probably give it a shot.  What can I say?  I'm a sucker.

And so, when Guthy Renker contacted me and proposed I try a revolutionary hair care system they were selling called Wen, I thought I'd give it a go.  I've never been thrilled with my hair; it gets frizzy and puffy and requires copious amounts of smoothing agents and polishers to be good for anything besides a pony tail.  I lack the ambition to clear-coat my hair with sealants, polishes, waxes and sprays on a daily basis, so I was excited when Wen promised to give me the same results as all that goop just by using their conditioning shampoo!

My kit arrived two days ago, and I tore it open with enthusiasm!

The first thing I noticed was the photo of Chaz Dean -- the developer of Wen (or at least the guy Guthy-Renker thought looked like someone chicks would trust with their hair).  He struck me as a cross between Fabio and Jesus, and I found myself gazing at his photo and being taken in by his piercing gaze.  If this guy were a therapist, I would definitely be reserving a spot on his couch.

 
The picture had an odd effect on me—on one hand, I felt compelled to confess a lifetime of hair sins (drying it on my way to work with the car vents—the shame!), but I also had a strange sort of fantasy brewing—one that involved him whisking me away to an exotic desert oasis and sensually shampooing my hair while muscled Arabians fed me grapes.

I turned the page in the pamphlet and was confronted by this next picture of Chaz:


Wait... is that eyeliner he's wearing?  Ugh... there goes the Jesus resemblance and the desert fantasy.  Now he just reminds me of an airbrushed, Botoxed Hollywood creep.

But regardless, that first evening I excitedly washed my hair with Chaz's conditioning shampoo and awaited the inevitable glorious results.  Two hours later, my roots were greasy and plastered to my head, and the bottom half of my hair was frizzy, dry and poufy.  I wondered if I may have done something wrong.  According to the brochure, my hair was supposed to look like this:



So last night I tried again, paying attention to slather more product on the ends and less on the roots.  This morning when I woke, my hair looked like it hadn't been washed for a week and a half.  My roots were actually glistening with oil.  Is this what they meant when they guaranteed shiny hair?  Ugh!!

I placed a call to customer service, and a kind, soothing representative promised I would have much better results with the other type of shampoo Wen offered—something based on cucumbers or eggplant or some other member of the vegetable kingdom.  The company is actually sending me a bottle of it for free. So now I wait.

Meanwhile, I can't help but ponder this Chaz guy.  There's part of me that feels just a tad naughty buying hair products from a guy who looks like he's undressing me with his eyes through the pamphlet.

But whether this hair system ends up being a success or a bust, I must nevertheless keep my eyes out for the one product that I really need:

Something to get this damn tattoo off my forehead!!!


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79 comments:

  1. Hilarious- any woman going public about unwanted hair is someone I must Like, Or is it Follow, or is it Stumble Upon? Whatever the event, I'm in. Anna vB

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  2. I LOL'd at the Ab Circle mental image! Haha! And then at the Fabio/Jesus reference. Thank you for the laugh. Sooooo sorry to hear about you hair! Id like to hear an update post about this stuff later!

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  3. Hahah I love it! The fact that his products are sold through infomercials kind of makes me not want to try anything. Honestly, I've never found an "As Seen On TV" product that did what it promised!

    Oh ya, new fan from Hop Along Friday!

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  4. I don't know about eyeliner...but --wow...look at those eyes. I'm jealous

    New follower from "Bee" hop :)

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  5. Finding you from the FNF blog hop.. I could read your posts all day!! Thanks for the laugh!!

    http://www.insightsbyapril.blogspot.com :)

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  6. That's too funny! I'm a new GFC follower from the Finding New Friends Blog Hop. I hope you'll drop by and follow my blog.

    www.LisaBlogs.com

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  7. You poor thing! I feel your pain. Wen is such a racket! I make my own shampoo now-thanks Chaz Dean! LOL!

    XOXO

    The Brainless Housewife :P

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  8. Oh my gosh!!!! I LOVE this post! I think cause i could totally relate! I am the ABSOLUTE sucker! Once I bought $800 worth of perfume from a guy cause he was so cute! Haahaaaa!!! And man, I just don't get close to anyone trying to sell things, because 9/10 times, I get suckered into it! yaayaayaaa!!! This is such an awesome post. Love the ending too!

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  9. You totally crack me up LOL.

    Thanks for hosting Bee Friendly Friday Follow. Can't find your post for that. Following you on GFC and Twitter. Hope you'll follow back :)

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  10. Following back. Thank you for stopping by & following. Have a blessed day!

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  11. your writing is a hoot!!Love the Jesus ref with Chaz! LOL
    The only thing I've used from ASOTV is the Shake Weight -I didn't buy it a friend did BUT it works!!!
    stopping/following with Bee Friendly Friday Hop =)
    http://anoterote.blogspot.com

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  12. You had me cracking up! I loved this post! I am a new follower from the Sit and Relax Hop. Hope you get your shampoo woes taken care of soon. I know how irritating those can be.:)
    Hope you can drop by
    http://bobjenjack.blogspot.com

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  13. The only thing I've ever bought from TV is the Ov-Glove it really did work but the dog ate it and I wasn't so impressed that I was going to pay that much for another pot holder, especially since I hardly cook.

    There's a lady in my neighborhood who walks every morning with her shake weights and her "special" shoes (you know, the exercise shoes that have 4 inch soles) she is quite the sight! Her arms are pretty impressive but I don't think I could dare leave the house and use those things!

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  14. Ha! My step mom has sucker on her forehead too:) Her and Billy of Tae Bo fame are tight, she totally wore out the vhs tape of Tae Bo. She bought the dvd's and memorized the movements in case something happened again:)

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  15. LMAO this was great, one I always wondered about the stuff, and two cuz it was a real good laugh first thing this morning (i read it on my phone while still in bed ) So thank you so much for sharing =)

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  16. Jenn Darling, I'm right there with you Dear! Suckered into buying anything that rings my doorbell... I stopped opening my front door AND my wallet! But how to stay away from those darn infomercials? lol Cups Up! xoxo

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  17. Love your posts! I am already a follower from last weeks Bee Friendly Friday Hop. Hope you can visit my blog, Saving Your Green
    in the future.

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  18. Stopping by from the Friday Hops to say hello.

    Have a great day!
    POSH
    You can visit me here
    http://poshonabudget.com/2011/07/friday-friend-connect.html

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  19. ha!! funny stuff. i love your writing!!

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  20. Loved this! I've seen that guy on the infomercial actually. I watch those, especially the Cindy Crawford one with the secret age defying mellons in France. A french accent sells anything. So far I've never purchased, but would if they came to the store shelf. I'm waiting for Cindy's stuff;)
    Courtney
    http://www.mommyladyclub.com

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  21. Your Newest follower via GFC! Found you on a Friday Blog hop. I would love it if you came and checked out my blog {& giveaways while you're there!} and follow back as well!

    Cassondra / Mama's Passions

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  22. LOL my mom and i bought the thigh master when it first came out. I love the As Seen On TV store.

    http://amommyslifestyle.blogspot.com

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  23. I actually like the Thigh Master but I can TOTALLY relate to everything else!! I also can't say no so not only am I a sucker but a pushover to boot!! I hope you stop by and hop with us at the Hot Momma Hop because your blog is absolutely hilarious!!
    http://theorganicblonde.com

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  24. I'm your newest follower! I found you on "Boost my Blog Friday" (Last week's since this wk hasn't posted yet). I just started blogging myself but have a great start! Stop by if you get a chance:
    http://yesyolanda.blogspot.com/
    I swear I think I have sucker on my forhead too! I can pass up infomercials & online scams but people! They always get me! I have a hard time saying no face to face...but I'm learning!

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  25. Oh dear, lol! Step away from the infomercials...now! ;)

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  26. I have never bought anything on tv and now I have a good reason not to. In hope all goes well for your hair".

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  27. Hahaha! This is great! You are an awesome product reviewer - I love knowing how it really is. And I'm so glad I avoid watching infomercials. I do have to admit being suckered into a few products lol.

    But, damn, that guy is cute!

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  28. Haha, that guy is on the Bravo show "Flipping Out," though they never show him doing anyone's hair. Maybe there's a reason. Good luck.

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  29. I've been a sucker many times myself. I even fell for this device that was supposed to reduce electricity by plugging it in near the outlet. It wasn't cheap. Well it increase our electricity all the more. My husband could not understand how I fell for that one :)

    The Twerp and I

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  30. Too funny! You have a fun weekend.
    Following you already on the hop.

    http://itsabouttimemamaw.blogspot.com/

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  31. Ok, he's ADORABLE and I would probably buy stuff with his pic, too. I was intregued by the Wen stuff, but my hair is so oily... I can't even go one DAY without shampooing or it is HAT TIME!!!

    I've had a few ASOTV products that haven't been a complete waste (all gifts from my mom):

    The Pocket Gourmet (plastic thingy that presses raviolis and dumplings and pierogi into the classic shape)
    That spaghetti pot with the strainer lid (it was a decent pot, anyway)
    The sandwich iron (I don't remember what it is really called, but it looks like a waffle iron and you put bread and cheese into it and it makes awesome grilled cheese- you can even put "stuff" in your grilled cheese)

    Right now I am pining for the giant cupcake cake pan, and of course the shake weight, just because the commercial of the guy shaking is so ... um ... suggestive? I want it as a novelty, not a serious workout device.

    LOL!

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  32. Let me know when you find the remover! I did home hair color last winter - yeah, what was I thinking?!!

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  33. You did your own electrolysis? Jesus, you are my frickin hero!

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  34. Hahaha! Sucker? Or eternally optimistic???!! See? There IS a way to make ANYTHING sound good!!

    Best of luck with your hair ...

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  35. My mom actually has a collection of workout machines thats similar to yours...but I've had my fair share. Nads-Australian edible wax hair removal, Oxyclean-didn't realize I could buy it at my local pharmacy for cheaper and without shipping and handling, Proactive-this one actually worked when I was a teen, Rapid White Pro-teeth whitening system,also worked!, Revo-automatic hair brush that goes round and round and round, Bareminerals-this was before they had actual shops, Silicone Bra pads-this was the adhesive type that allows you to wear backless dresses or something with a deep neckline. Let's just say they didn't adhere very well and by the end of the night it looked like a was giving birth to chicken cutlets! And the list goes on of course...

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  36. Oh my gosh, I'm so cheap. I've never been an infomercial sucker. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Thank you for the entertainment! Do we need to do an intervention?

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  37. We have all been down that road! Hopefully, as we grow older, we wise up unless we are in Washington that is! Stopping by from the blog hop and am now following you thru GFC, Facebook and Twitter. I like to get them all at once or I will forget who I did what with. I would love a follow back on all three when you get a chance. Thanks so very much and have a wonderful day!

    Mary@http://www.mmbearcupoftea.com

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  38. New Follower from Pink Dandy Chatter Hop. This is a HILARIOUS post. Thanks for the laugh, I have curly, frizzy hair so I'm sure I would have totally bought into Chaz and all his empty promises.
    justtiffanysthoughts.blogspot.com

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  39. New follower form Follow Us Monday!

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  40. Yikes! Don't feel bad. I am also a sucker for products with amazing promises. They never work. How long until I accept this?

    P.S. I never trust my hair to anyone WITHOUT eye liner, so I can understand your inability to resist.

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  41. I'm the complete opposite I never buy any of the stuff on tv. Stopping in from bee friendly hop a little bit late.

    Liked you on facebook, twitter and GFC.
    You can find me over at the Zoo.
    Amber

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  42. Hi, i FOUND YOU OFF A BLOG HOP. iM A NEW FOLLOWER (SEXY_BABYMOMMA) AND iVE JUST STARTED BLOGGiNG MYSELF, AND COULD USEA FOLLOW BACK PLZ :) THANKS AND HAVE A GREATTT DAY!!

    JENNI-REVIEWS.BLOGSPOT.COM

    (SOMETiMES MY FOLLOWER BUTTON DOESNT SHOW UP, PLZ REFRESH AND THAT NORMALY WORKS, HE HAS A MiND OF HiS OWN LOL)

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  43. I think this Chaz guy looks decidedly dodgy! And I feel your pain, regarding the frizzy hair. My hair unfortunately is like that too. I greatly recommend argan oil: I actually works, and it's not a lot of work.

    I wouldn't be surprised at all, if that's what Chaz uses in the privacy of his home.

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  44. We've all had our moments. I am following you from the hop. Please stop by at http://thecryptocapersseries.blogspot.com
    http://www.reneeahand.com
    Thanks
    Renee

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  45. Glad I'm not the only sucker in the world. I just can't resist.

    Stopping by from Not So Moody Blog Hop. Would love a visit http://www.theresagrisanti.com

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  46. I love your blog! I tend to fall for all of the gimicks too. My husband constantly has to remind me that it's probably a waste of money!

    New follower from the hop.
    http://shrinkingmommy.blogspot.com

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  47. This cracked me up. I got your note on mine. I went and fixed that, funny how the spell check didn't catch it as technically it's a word. Lol! Thanks for the heads up. I can't seem to access your email or I would have sent this there. I am temporarily not publishing any comments with links as some people were taking it too far and placing full page ads. So for the time being I am not publishing any with a link in them. Thought I'd let you know so you didn't wonder why your comment didn't go up. It was just getting out of control. Might change my mind later. That Chaz guy was on Flipping Out alot with Jeff Lewis. He's an interesting dude. I just don't trust a guy who's prettier than I am. Your final picture had me in hysterics.

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  48. *shyly raises hand* You just described me to a T. I may even have one of those "cook your spaghetti in the microwave in just this plastic holder" deals in my cabinet... But I'm not admitting to anything ;-)

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  49. lol... I have fallen for the hair color also!

    Hi! I am a new follower via the blog hop! I would love for you to follow
    me back and become bloggy friends! Have a lovely day,

    ~meg~

    A Meg Moment
    http://agemmoment.blogspot.com/

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  50. New blog hop follower! So glad I came across your blog. Love it!

    Thanks for the laughs. :)

    Ruthie J.
    http://mysocalledhomeschoollife.com

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  51. Hello there.. Officially following you from Totally Tuesday Blog hop today.. Lovely blog.. Awesome posts.. Settling in to read some more.. ;)) Hope you can stop by my blog sometime.. I'm Marilyn from http://theartsygirlconnection.blogspot.com .. Ciao :))

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  52. new follower from blog hop would love a follow back http://adventuresfrugalmom.blogspot.com

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  53. That's pretty hysterical! someone needs to put a ban on your tv from 10 pm -6 am.. no more infomercials! We have a store at our local mall with all "as seen on tv" crap.. the shake weight is garbage - not worth your $10! I'm sure if you go to a garage sale you'll find some! Good luck with the hair products.. I swear by frederick Fekkai.. $20 per bottle, but lasts a LONG time and so good.. now following! thanks for following mine :)

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  54. OH, thank you for sharing this! I, too, am a sucker, and find myself watching infomercials like they are soap operas. I have tried the special rake to take up off all the dog hair on the floor. Didn't work. The special hair bendy think that scraped all the hair from my scalp and gave me a bald spot. And hair removal lotion that left stubble on my arms. Help! And I still watch them, amazed and addicted and trying not to call...

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  55. Ouch, can't help you with removing the tattoo, but I completely understand, and may need the same product. ;) I was totally suckered into the Baby Bullet-not as amazing as people think.

    PS: I'm following you and discovered you by a blog hop! Check out my blog: http://arandomblog.com.

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  56. Hi Jenn,

    Thanks so much for your comment at my cupcake pincushion tutorial. I laughed about the sewer thing (it had never occurred to me before...isn't the English language funny!)

    Regarding the questions about pans, in South Africa we don't get any of the TV chef branded products, so I wouldn't have a clue if some are better than others. I do, however, think that a good stainless steel pan cannot be beaten (not even by cast iron or copper).I tend to stay away from anti-stick coatings (it scares me that it eventually wares off...into my food!) The only time I use an anti-stick pan is for crepes or omelettes (so that there is actually food to eat, rather than just a mess of a pan to clean).

    Good luck on the gift hunt! :-)

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  57. I don't know what all the other stuff is you bought, but I bought the shake weight ($19.99 at Walgreen's) & it is actually working. It won't happen overnight, but believe me the 6 minute routine they give (DVD included) feels like an hour. It is a real workout.

    So that is one thing you can buy & won't feel like a sucker (I have bought a few things before that didn't work like they did on TV.)

    Stopping by from VB.
    http://ziggysblogs.blogspot.com

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  58. I'm big into the infomercials as well. I typically don't buy them on TV because you can find them all at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (typically). I just returned the "Seat Saver" because, of course, it didn't do what it said it would do!

    Very funny blog! I found you through the Thursday's Cup of Joe Blog hop. I'm a day early. :)


    http://www.thetshirtmama.com

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  59. Haha! I loved the imagery-my husband is a sucker for infomercials, too! New follower from voiceBoks!
    http://mamawolfe-living.blogspot.com

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  60. Thanks for joining blogging buddies thursday at Life With Two Boys!
    The link will go live every wednesday evening so be sure to come and link up again!

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  61. You need to write a novel and make yourself the main character. This is hilarious. I really enjoy your blog.

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  62. Haha, this is hilarious! I can just see you curled up on the couch in a Snuggie; remote in one hand, phone in the other. I very much enjoyed this post and several others; love your style of writing and I look forward to reading much more from you!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog for Wordless Wednesday. Happy to be following along with you!

    Have a great weekend!
    Kate

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  63. funny experience you have there.. just stumbled and liked your post! ;)

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  64. Hilarious! I just stumbled you.

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  65. So hysterical! I've seen those commercials and wasn't quite as taken by him! I'd love to have the hair on those models tho!

    ~Mimi

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  66. Looking on the bright side... so what if you're somewhat on the gullible side? At least you're pretty funny!

    Also, here's a hint from a professional grade naive: if you keep your "innocent nature" in mind while tempted to get the newest hottest gadget, it will help keep things in perspective.

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  67. Lol...Funny post. I enjoyed reading it & Stumbled it :D

    mine: http://uhohmom.com/2011/08/adventures-in-co-sleeping-and-tips/

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  68. So glad I ran into this post! Just a couple of days ago, my sister was telling me about that stuff, saying that I JUST HAD to try it (even though she hadn't yet forked over the $ herself). I looked up the website and totally wanted to. I'm glad now that I just didn't have enough at the time. Your follow up on the other 'type' of product they sent will be very helpful. Thanks!

    Your newest GFC follower (and I stumbled this post) from the Planet Weidknecht Weekend Hop. Yeah, I know it's not the weekend anymore. Sorry I'm late!

    http://silverfaeries-dragonflies.blogspot.com

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  69. Sorry, it was the STumble Tuesday blog hop that I got your link from. Either way, I stumbled and followed :)

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  70. Chaz as Jesus - LOL! You'll never know about these things unless you try right?

    I am a new follower from the Give a Hoot Hop. I would love a follow back at http://messforless.blogspot.com
    Thanks!

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  71. Bouncing back the comment luv!

    I no longer allow myself to watch infomercials anymore - or listen to MLM guys (that's a BIG one) I can be so easily convinced because I sooo want their dodally thing to work.
    So, glad that I happened on your blog - and added to your list of followers

    Recent Post:Do Field Trips to McDonalds Count?

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  72. That is just hilarious! I have been wondering about those bra thingies:)


    Thank you for participating in last week’s Wednesday Window @ Frugality Is Free. I hope you’ll stop by to link up your favorite blog post this week as well.

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  73. OK - I'm giving you a directive - never watch TV live, Tivo your favorite shows and fast forward through the commercials!!! Hilarious yet again. By the way, I'm participating in your stumble hop. Thanks for setting that up.

    Dayna

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  74. LOL! I just tried this through a program called Influenster. It did the same thing to my hair. It was so greasy and heavy. A few short hours after washing with this I looked like I hadn't washed my hair in about a week. I too thought I had done something wrong. How is the other one they sent working out?

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  75. I use to shop qvc in my sleep late at night. seriously! You would not believe the crazy crap that was showing up at my door!

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  76. Hilarious! Glad to know I'm not alone in suckerville! :-)

    Blessings,
    Rosann

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  77. I've been interested in trying Wen, too...the commercials do look amazing. I've read online reviews & they are mixed...some love it & others have had bad experiences. Maybe it does depend on hair type? Who knows! I haven't actually bought anything from a commercial, but I've wanted to: the Haan Duo, baby!

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  78. I feel so much better knowing that I am only a sucker for things sold at the Dollar Tree. LMFAO w/o an Ab Roller, thank you very much.

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