Friday, May 20, 2011

My Husband has "Foot-in-Mouth" Disorder

Years ago I diagnosed my husband with "Foot-in-Mouth" disorder.  Perhaps your partner has the symptoms too.  It is characterized by the inability to filter ideas in one's head, so that every inappropriate thought comes spilling out of the sufferer's mouth, causing the sufferer to frequently "stick his foot in his mouth."

My husband has a particularly bad case, but that's okay -- I knew this before I married him. During one of our early dates, right before Valentine's Day, he asked me if it would be all right if he got me roses after Valentine's Day, because they'd be cheaper then.  I chose to view this glaring error of etiquette as a sign that he was a good provider, and careful with money. 

When I was 9 months pregnant and we were shopping for a Christmas tree, my husband spoke this jewel of wisdom: "Honey, why don't we get a short, fat Christmas tree this year!  We'll get your picture taken with it!  It'll be hysterical!" Needless to say, that one will never be forgotten.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when "Foot-in-Mouth" disorder reared its ugly head again a few nights ago.  My dear hubby was reading his email, and he snorted with laughter, got my attention, and said, "Honey, you have to hear this!  It's hysterical!"  Speaking through the chuckles, he quoted the following statement:

"Women marry men expecting them to change, and they don't.  Men marry women expecting them not to change, and they do."

He looked at me eagerly, waiting for affirmation of the quote's brilliance and hilarity. I furrowed my brow.  "So, what's funny about that... exactly?" I probed.  "Well," he said,"you women expect us to change, and we don't.  And we think you're always going to look the same as the day we married you... but you don't."

"Really?" I replied, with a thoughtful look.  "Exactly what would you say changes?" I asked, being careful to keep my tone non-threatening.  He said, "Well, you just look different.  Things start to go south and stuff." 

AHA!!!!  Now he was in trouble.  My face rearranged itself into an icy glare, and he suddenly realized he had been outmaneuvered. I was hunting him now, like a lioness stalking a wounded gazelle, and he cowered in the manner of a dog that regrets having just pooped the carpet.

"What...exactly...and be specific...has gone south?" I demanded.  He panicked. "I don't know!  I wasn't talking about you specifically!"  He was desperate to avoid digging himself any further into the massive stinkhole he had created.

"Oh, really?" I was staring at him like I was trying to melt the flesh off his face... and it was almost working.  He cracked.  "Well, you're always wearing those weird sleep bras, and when I ask you why you're wearing a bra to bed, you tell me you don't want your boobs to be sitting on your ankles!!  So what am I supposed to think?!"

I was upset now. "Well, I'm just trying to prevent them from going anywhere, okay?!! I want them to stay where they belong!  I mean, it's not like they're that different than they were before we had kids!"  All lies. Truthfully, breastfeeding killed them, leaving flaccid, empty baggies hanging where there used to be perky mounds.

My hubby nodded enthusiastically anyway, agreeing wholeheartedly with anything I was saying at this point.  After all, he knows a crazed female when he sees one.

I sulked quietly, and he took my silence to mean that the conversation was over and the matter had been settled.  He announced he was heading to bed and went upstairs. I followed a few minutes later, still fuming.

I settled in bed next to him, sighed audibly, and opened the book I was reading.  He tapped my arm and said, "So, are you up for some nookie?"

Pregnant pause... I took a deep breath and struggled to stay calm.

"No." I said through clenched teeth.  "My sad, saggy boobs are just too tired." Stumble Upon Toolbar

32 comments:

  1. HIL-ARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i love it! i totally had to read that one out loud to my hubby. we laughed and laughed and i might have peed a little.

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  2. That is too funny! I love how a man will want nookie after something like that. LOL. Great response to his question.

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  3. Hi, I am visiting from the Weekend bloghop 8 and I am following you.I would love for you to check out my blog.
    http://shandassweepsandfreebies.blogspot.com/

    You made me laugh, that is just like a man lol.

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  4. that's great lol newest follower look forward to reading your Blog
    http://everydayproductsandmore.blogspot.com/

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  5. LOL! I love it...and your husband's brutal honesty is a lot like my husbands! By the way http://bit.ly/StylishBloggerAward <~~~you deserve it!

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  6. Oh my! This is so funny I about fell out of my chair laughing! :P New follower from the Finding New Friends blog hop, would love it if you'd swing by my blog when you get a chance! :)

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  7. Hi there! You just described my husband to a T. LOL!

    Following from the Finding New Friends hop! Hope you can stop by and follow back!

    Amy @ Render Me Mama

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  8. Oh I believe this describes all men at one time or another. Very honest and funny. I just love it when my hubby does this and then realizes he's in trouble. After I get over what just happened, I can't help myself but to laugh at the way he tried to justify what he said. Nice and entertaining post.

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  9. I tell my husband he needs to buy a "mint-flavored shoe" for all the times (per day) he puts his foot in his mouth. It's got to be a genetic "male" thing, because you are NOT alone!

    Oh, and I wear a sports bra to bed, too. They just don't get the sacrifices we make...

    Thanks for participating in my Sundae hop, and so you know, I'm now following you back!

    Baby Talk without the Babble

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  10. flaccid, saggy baggies....love it!!! This is hilarious! I am definitely a new follower from the Sundae hop, hope you will visit:
    http://childhoodmyths.net/blog

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  11. Awesome! I think, no wait, I KNOW my husband suffers from the same thing. My biggest problem is mine speaks with an English accent so I have a hard time being as mad. Oh well!

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  12. Hey Jennifer, I saw your comment on my blog and just had to run over here and read what I inspired - TOO FUNNY! Ah, these men of ours, for they know not what they say. Sigh. But when not insulting your post-baby body parts and gnawing on size-12 shoes, they do have their useful purposes. I think. I'm almost sure.....well, if I ever find out what that is, i'll defiantly write a blog about it!

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  13. I think my sister has that too LOL

    Stopping by from the Sundae Hop.

    http://www.giveawayswithgrace.com

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  14. Oooh boy, he really dug himself deep with those words, didn't he? How long before you let him out of the doghouse? ;)
    Great post!

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  15. what? No Nookie at all! This was absolutely belly laughing fun!Found you on the weekend hop!I will be reading for more belly laughs!Come say hi soon!
    Miriam
    http://productjunkiemama.blogspot.com

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  16. New follower from the blog hop! Please stop by my blog and return the favor!

    Thanks so much!

    http://greatexpectations-kyna.blogspot.com/

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  17. My husband suffers from severe Foot-in-Mouth disease as well. I could have written this very post... it's that close to home! :) How long does he get to suffer before you'll let him make up for his words?

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  18. Thanks for attending the monday mingle bloghop am now following your blog,looking forward in reading more of your post.

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  19. Hi! Following you from Relax and Surf Sunday blog hop! Hope you visit me and return the follow!:0)

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  20. following from mingle blog hop..check mine out and do the same http://ninakema.blogspot.com/

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  21. HA HA HA! Are our husbands brothers? Do you think there is a chance?

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  22. Happy Monday! I am a new follower from the blog hop and I look forward to following your blog!...Hope u can come by for a visit! http://adventuresatgreenacre.blogspot.com

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  23. Thanks everyone for your awesome comments! You had me chuckling! And for those of you who asked how long my hubby was in trouble -- he was out of the doghouse the next morning.. LOL... I can't stay mad at him for long -- he's too sweet.

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  24. LOL so funny. Hi! Following you from the Monday Mingle blog hop. Would love for you to check out www.thatshakerofsalt.com

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  25. Hop'pin by from 'Monday Mingle Blog HOp!'. I'm following your blog now, wont you please come and follow me back?? ~KM

    Krafty Max Originals

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  26. Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog!
    Have a nice day!

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  27. Love that post and your response to your husband! My husband has the not-so-rare disorder called, "WHAAAAT Disease." There's only one symptom - saying what in a really loud voice whenever I am trying to subtly get his attention without anyone else noticing. Unfortunately, we've tried everything and I don't think there's a cure.

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  28. oh my goodness LOL!!! That's too funny! Sounds like a man to me!

    I'm your newest GFC follower from Tuesday Blog Hop! Hope you can check out my blog!

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  29. Absolutely priceless! I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard. My husband has it also (do all men?) After we had just gotten married, he turned around to get into the limo with his friends. I stood with my glass of champagne and my mouth open. "We're married!" I said. "don't you want to sit in the same limo?" He looked confused. "Oh, I thought I'd just meet you at the reception." OMG!! Thank goodness we've been married 8 wonderful years but he had some doozies along the way. I love this blog.

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  30. Fun post!! I'm blog hopping and am now following! Would love for you to check out my blog and follow back!

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  31. Just found you and had to read this whole post to my husband who is sitting by me! I was laughing so hard I'm not sure how much he got out of it but it sounded so much like him I had to.

    LOVED IT!!
    Nice to have found you!

    nikki
    http://www.nightswithnikki.com

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  32. Awwww! Can I ever relate to this post! I just weaned my third after 1 year of nursing.

    Where did you get the good bra again....*sigh*

    New follower from the bloghop
    xo
    babymama
    avagracescloset.blogspot.com

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