Thursday, May 26, 2011

Battle of the Boobs

After more than sixteen months of breastfeeding, I am excited to report that my breasts have finally been freed from their indentured servitude!  To celebrate their new found liberation, I decided that my hard-working breasts should be treated to some luxurious undergarments.  After many months of being held captive in shapeless, unflattering nursing bras, they deserved to see the light of day a bit.

I therefore recently made a pilgrimage to the "mecca for mammaries," otherwise known as Victoria's Secret (I hadn't dared go there while I had been nursing, as it just seemed shameful to defile such high-priced undergarments with bodily fluids... even if those fluids were technically edible).

I walked into the store, tingling with excitement and anticipation --  I was finally going to have some sexy bras again! Three cheerful employees immediately descended upon me, eager to please, with tape measures ready. 

I was a tad nervous about what was about to happen. After all, my breasts had gone through quite an ordeal; during the past year and a half I had helplessly watched them undergo a complete transformation.  Much like cooked marshmallows, they had first puffed up and leaked sticky white stuff everywhere, and then, spent, they had drifted downward into limp, lifeless blobs. Given the right angle, they now bore a disturbing resemblance to what one might see on a woman grinding flour against rocks in Zimbabwe.

I held my breath and waited to hear my measurements.

"You're between a 34 and a 36C," the employee chirped cheerfully, and I breathed a sigh of relief.  At least they hadn't gotten significantly smaller; they had just changed shape and location.  There was hope!

The employee advised me to go with the 36, because it would be better to err on the side of having too much room than not enough.  I was promptly installed in a cute little room and given a box of bras to try on.  Anything that "worked for me" was to be hung on the post on the wall.  All other bras were to go back in the "reject box."

I tried on the first bra, and the transformation was both instantaneous and miraculous!  I had gone from saggy pancake breasts to something that resembled perkiness, and the whole operation had moved my boobs up about 4 inches.  I was amazed, and my boobs were VERY happy.

I did a little jig for joy, and that's when I noticed an unfortunate problem -- boing, boing, boing... the bra wasn't keeping "the girls" in place; there were several inches of floppage happening in all directions when I bounced.  It was an obscene, fleshy boob-show, and I was horrified.  I looked around for a call button -- I needed a boob doctor, STAT!

I couldn't find a button, and after offering a few weak cries of "Heellllooooooo" and getting no response, I was debating which would be the better idea: peeking out of the fitting room with just the bra on, or changing back into my clothes again and walking out to find someone.  I decided on neither.  I put the bra in the "reject" box and put on another.  Same problem -- boing, boing, boing.

This just couldn't be right.  I continued making my way through the box and had tried on all but one bra when one of the smiling attendants appeared again.  Her smile faded when she saw not a single bra hanging on the "this works for me" rack.  Apparently, nothing was working for my rack.  I hadn't been to Victoria's Secret in a looooong time, but I was pretty sure the Hop-and-Flop I was experiencing wasn't par for the course.

I did a little bounce to demonstrate the problem, and the girl frowned and admitted that something wasn't right.  She went off in search of a bra with "heftier straps."  Of course, the whole point of going to Victoria's Secret was to not buy a bra that could double as construction equipment, so at the mention of "heftier straps," I visibly paled.  As it turned out, it didn't really matter -- she returned empty handed anyway.

Determined to get something, I tried on the one item left: a rather intimidating multi-way, multi-function, strapless/halter/criss-cross push-up mega-bra.  It didn't look particularly comfortable, but I was desperate.

Lo and behold -- it worked!  My boobs were in the right place, and when I hopped, nothing flopped!!  I was overjoyed, and my boobs were happy too! (See visual aid below).
I barely even glanced at the price tag.  Whatever it cost, I was going to buy it.  I would be utterly humiliated if I walked out of Victoria's Secret with nothing that fit.  Clinging to the new bra like it was the last bastion of my youth, I walked up to the counter and charged $50 to my credit card with nary a flinch: a big feat, considering that most of the bras I'd purchased in the previous two years had been sub-twenty dollars at Target.

The next night, my hubby and I were scheduled to go out on a date (a rare occurrence these days)!  I pulled out a slinky black dress, wrestled myself into the "suck it in" elastic contraption I had purchased to hide the flabby rolls that had appeared since the bearing of my second child, and put on the new bra.  I donned my little black dress and assessed myself in the mirror. I looked good -- almost like my old self.

However, as I was getting ready, I noticed something weird.  My boobs were slowly going from perky to pooped.  The bra was simply not staying up as time went by, and as it slowly wiggled south, it took my breasts with it, resulting in the following unfortunate look:
Not. Sexy.  I couldn't believe it.  My bra was making my poor boobs look worse!  I had paid $50 for a dud bra!  And the worst part was that the little black dress was now out of the question, since I had no other bras that would even remotely work with it.  I took everything off and changed back into one of my regularly scheduled shapeless undergarments.

The following week I marched myself back into Victoria's Secret, found the first smiling employee I saw, and frantically relayed the entire story, all the while waving the offending bra around in the air as if I was at some type of sports rally for underwear.

She thought the problem was probably that the band was too large and suggested I try a 34....but not a C.  Apparently when you go down a band size, you go up a cup size (who knew?), so I was magically now a 34D.

I tried on the 34D, which kept everything in place nicely but felt rather like a boa constrictor wrapped around my ribcage.  Well, comfort is just one of those sacrifices we make in the pursuit of beauty, I thought. I purchased the new bra and headed home.

I arrived home and explained the whole scenario to my husband, who was a tad annoyed at the situation.  "Why the heck didn't you just return it?" he asked, staring at the new bra with incomprehension.  I tried to explain how important it was to have a nice bra.  He countered with, "So you paid fifty dollars for something that's extremely uncomfortable?  That's ridiculous!"

It was at this point that I realized I would have a really hard time justifying future bra purchases at Victoria's Secret. I sheepishly offered, "Well, at least now I know my correct size." 

"Great!" he said. "Go back to Target and get some cheap bras in your correct size."

So I did. I bought several functional, sensible, full-coverage bras at a reasonable price. And when I caught him staring at me while I undressed the following evening, I asked him what he thought of the new bra style.

He grimaced and said, "Well, it kind of leaves... everything... to the imagination, doesn't it?"

I gave him a patronizing smile. "Well, what the heck were you expecting?  VICTORIA'S SECRET!??" Stumble Upon Toolbar

39 comments:

  1. congratulations on getting your boobs back!!!!!!

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  2. Ha Ha Ha! So glad you have your girls back (or I'm sure your Hubby probably thinks He has them back). I managed the ladies lingerie dept of a major department store years ago but Target bras are still my fav. They just fit me perfectly. But I did splurge on one of the VS Bombshell Bras. I'm too embarrassed to wear it most of the time.

    Congrats & Cheers.
    VB

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  3. Oh, I LOATHE VC! I have crazy big boobs that VC doesn't fit- and nursing just made the situation worse. When the girls weaned I was wearing a 36J. I actually cried when I bought those. I'd recommend a few other places for AFFORDABLE and still totally sexy bras for D+ cups:

    lindasonline.com
    herroom.com
    amplebosom.com (the Brits appreciate bigger boobs!)

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  4. Thank you SO MUCH for a great laugh! Your story is very well written and I can COMPLETELY relate. I have tried and tried to shop at VS (even pre-nursing) and it just does not work for me. Even at the tender age of 17 I was wearing full coverage....

    Newest follower from the hop (and I'll be back!!)

    http://learningtolimit.blogspot.com

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  5. Oh Jenn, you're awesome!-) I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I have passed along the Stylish Blogger Award to your blog! You can check out my post (that features your blog) at: http://1epicmom.com/2011/05/26/stylish-blogger-award/
    Cheers,
    Char
    The Epic Adventures of a Modern Mom
    http://1epicmom.com

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  6. I absolutely love this post, made my day! It is sooooo true, those fancy places like Victoria Secret and La Senza just have the most uncomfortable bras! I love the way you put it all into a little narrative... busted my gut laughing!

    On another note, following you now in every way I can from the FNF blog hop.

    Cheers,
    Flora Loveday
    The Upper Hand
    http://www.the-upper-hand.com/

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  7. I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard. LOL

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  8. I can totally relate, having breastfed for 7 years straght! Wish I could shop at VS too. Following you from the Finding New Friends Weekend Blog Hop.

    Kar
    http://flipsidesanity.blogspot.com
    http://flipsideumami.blogspot.com

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  9. Very cute post! Can't relate. I would need the Itty Bitty Bra!! VS works for me because they have all the push up and padding that I need. Still too expensive though!
    Hopping by from the blog hop! I didn't see where to follow you on GFC, so I "LIKED" you on FB!
    http://www.facebook.com/nancy.styledecor

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  10. Great story! Couldn't stop laughing. Nearly woke the kids with my giggling.

    Subscribing to you email feed and looking forward to getting to know you better.

    www.suitcasesandsippycups.blogspot.com

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  11. What an awesome article! New Follower from the Friday blog hop!

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  12. LMAO I so just went thru a similar aspect of this except I have no boobs left. I have been wearing tank bras but I really wanted a sexy bra set. So i went to Vicky's and discovered the same thing that when you go down in the band you go up in the cup. So i went from what I thought was a 36 A to a 34 C.. And its awesome...but the price is crazy, so i just bought one, but at least i can wear a bra again and feel like a woman instead of a 12 year old girl who needs a training bra. LOL

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  13. I my the Gilligan and O'Malley at Target and am happy! I love this story! You are a great story teller!

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  14. GFC down for me! 'Liking you on facebook from the Finding New Friends Weekend Blog Hop. Would love a visit and 'like' back: www.facebook.com/flightlessgoose. Thanks!

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  15. LOL. I've owned my share of Target bras in my life. :)

    I'm a new follower from the Finding New Friends Hop. I'd love it if you'd swing by A Helicopter Mom and follow me back. :)

    Thanks!
    Mickey
    A Helicopter Mom

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  16. Hi there! Visiting from the FNF bloghop. Great blog! I am a new follower ;) Please stop by Diaper Style Memoirs and follow back :) Check out and enter the amazing Honeycup Giveaway while you're there!

    Inessa
    Diaper Style Memoirs

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  17. Loved this! I've never had much success with those strapless contraptions, either!

    Found you at the Weekend Blog Hop and followed!

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  18. Ive been breastfeeding for 5 straight years between my two boys :) I don't even want to think about what type of bra I will need when Im all done with my youngest! Newest follower from bloggy moms, look forward to your future posts! You can find me at
    http://wvfrugal-wvsaver.blogspot.com/

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  19. I'm laughing as this is too close to home! I love Victoria's Secret but let's be real: the bras there don't fit many of us who have a) had kids and b) are bigger than your average bear. No one wants to get the "sensible" bras but we have to admit that they do the job, so we wind up back at our favorite department store buying in bulk.

    Thanks for making me smile :)

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  20. I am a new follower from Thursday's Blog Hop
    hope you'd stop by my blog sometime too.

    Jennah Smith
    PMS Relief

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  21. LOL!! This is hilarious!!! *sigh* I am there and I just have one right now! LOL
    Just wanted to now follow you since GFC is now working again! LOL (I am one of the host!) hope to see you on my blogs! (giveaways on two of them! :)
    http://myowngrocerygame.blogspot.com/

    http://firebutterflyjewels.blogspot.com/

    http://mommysmenuplanning.blogspot.com/

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  22. This post is hilarious- LOVE! So glad I found your blog after seeing your button question on Bloggy Moms! I'm your newest follower and will be back!

    http://aidensmom112.blogspot.com

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  23. Sooo funny - Victoria's Secret scares me. They are really really expensive, very very sexy, and nothing ever fits. I also feel like I need to buy something because of the salespeople. Once I find a particular bra that fits, I purchase 5 in every color - LOL! Poor hubby - he's used to it now!!!

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  24. Been there-done that too lol
    I am following you back from Social Moms!
    Thanks!!

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  25. Such a great post. I breastfed twins for over a year so I know what it's like!

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  26. I hate Vicky's Secret. All bra departments, really. I have the smallest boobs ever, and I can't find a decent bra, either. Strapless are the worst! Found you Studio30...

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  27. Too funny!! I am following; found you at blog hop. Please come visit me at Cedar Hill Ranch.

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  28. funny! yay for boobies!
    Thanks for following me at yippiemomma.blogspot.com
    Now following you back :)

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  29. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone here, gals!! Loved your comments!
    Smiles, Jenn

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  30. Very funny! I am following you via the FNF weekend blog hop. Already following you on GFC. Stop by and visit my blog if you get the chance.

    http://itsabouttimemamaw.blogspot.com/

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  31. Very funny - thanks for sharing:)

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  32. That was awesome!! Since, I recently spent way too much for 2 VS bras, I relate to much of your experience.
    Love the humor!

    http://www.mymomentsshared.blog.com

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  33. I saw your link on the Buzz on By HOP and I'm so glad that I did. You're hilarious and I'm definitely a new follower :-) Congrats on getting your ta-tas back!
    lifewiththehawleys.blogspot.com

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  34. OK ... I gotta admit it ... I normally just skim through all the blog posts ... but you had me hooked on every word! Very well written! Adorable story! I will be back to your blog for sure!!
    Ro :)
    Have YOU had your Mom-ME Moment today?
    http://www.MommyMindSpa.com

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  35. lol...dud bra, have some of those myself :)
    Lucy is out hopping. Come on by when you get a chance Closer to Lucy
    Cheers!

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  36. Your response "At least now I know my correct my bra size" as justification for your purchase had me laughing out loud. I gotta tell you though. I did the same thing. Bought a ridiculously expensive bra at VS after finding out my bra size and then went to Target to buy more. I'm a 34D too and just FYI, Target is one of the only stores I have been to that actually carries that size! :)

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  37. lol! I am looking forward to the day that I will no longer be wearing nursing bras! I am not sure how much longer I will be in those stupid things! Cant wait to buy a nice new bra.....soon!

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  38. Hahaha!!! I'm about to release my boobs from the servatude of 15 months of nursing...and so I feel your pain! Sadly my girls are itty bitties...but I'm hoping a trip to Vickies Secret might help....(or maybe I'll just spring for Target after all!!!)

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  39. Loved this post - sorry about the bra nightmare at VS though. Just took my 15 year old daughter there for her bras. I don't buy mine there because I'm supporting her habit. Don't know if they would have any that fit me anyway lol.

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